


Turtle Line

by RisingSun



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Characters Reading Fanfiction, Dreams vs. Reality, Fantasizing, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Pining, Romance, Slow Burn, Slow sleepy turtle with flowers, Story of a bunny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-28
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-03-25 04:16:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 29,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13826274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RisingSun/pseuds/RisingSun
Summary: In reality Wonho of Monsta X enjoys reading fanfiction.In reality Hyungwon of Monsta X is Wonho's best friend.In reality Wonho can't imagine his life without his best friend.Beyond the line in between reality and fantasy one little fluffy white bunny is on a quest.Beyond the line in between reality and fantasy one small sleepy turtle enjoys beautiful flowers.Beyond the line in between reality and fantasy the bunny and the turtle form their own little world.But what happens if the line starts dangerously thinning?





	1. A superior concept of art

 

_Velvety feel of the taller one’s fingertips was so light, yet mirrored the certainty of his gaze in its apparent existence on the older one’s pale, soft skin. Sensation of elegant hands sliding lower, slowly, but surely feeling more, leaving a trail of heat as they seemed to want to touch every inch of the skin beneath them gained a breathy, needy gasp, painting the air surrounding them into a heavier color of lust. Pink tongue slid over the plump lips before they shifted into a tiny knowing smirk, aware of being the centre of attention once again, basking in it for a moment and then diving down to follow the trail fingertips set for them moments before._

The words reflected off Hoseok’s glasses as his eyes eagerly followed the lines in front of him, the way he leaned forward in anticipation making him look like some nerdy fanboy with a wild imagination and too much free time he could be spending on something more worthwhile than fanfiction. Objectively speaking that wasn’t far from truth, if we ignore the fact that Hoseok didn’t have that much free time on his hands, in fact he didn’t have it at all as he was currently procrastinating. His empty bowl of what used to be ramen, a late night dinner and an unhealthy pleasure well known to everyone around him, rested on the side for what seemed like hours now and his computer with the latest project he had been working on open staring at him, silently judging him. The former ulzzang simply chose to ignore the work that has been waiting for him and focused on another kind of dirty pleasure – the one that he did his best to keep secret and could proudly admit to himself that he was doing a pretty good job at it.

Concept of fanfiction wasn’t foreign to Hoseok when he started his idol career. In fact he’s been fascinated with all the ideas someone’s fans could come up with that involved the object of their admiration. The stories someone invested so much love and time in surely were something worth appreciating. It has always been something that intrigued him, even more as he was getting closer to his own debut. He hoped the people paying attention to the music him and his group would make, paying attention to them as people would feel rewarded and loved for giving them said attention and time, that they will  be able to feel  just how precious they were to them.

Hoseok was an emotional soul, that was one of his traits that would quickly make itself known to the people surrounding him and it didn’t take long for him to openly show just how much he appreciated their fans. The support and strength he got from Monbebes was similar with the one he got from his group members and family. They were all on different levels, but equally important to the handsome vocalist and any kind of feedback on his work and skills – as individual and those of Monsta X as a group was eagerly welcomed. He truly loved their fans, to the point that it made the rest of his group playfully mock him when they were alone, even if they were feeling the same kind of adoration towards Monbebes. It wasn’t his fault he just had to be so cheesily affectionate. It also wasn’t his fault most of the other guys he shared his life with were more easily embarrassed by his behavior and hesitant to display affection towards fans in such a blatantly cringe-worthy manner as he was. Except Minhyuk. Minhyuk was just shameless.

The love he felt for their fans was one of his driving forces, making him want to work harder and constantly prove himself to them as it was the best way to express all those emotions and gratitude he felt. And he and the rest of Monsta X were always rewarded for it, in forms of fans swarming to see them perform, communicate with them on fansigns and through social media. Monbebe selca day was marked in Hoseok’s calendar as a special monthly holiday, the day for their fans to shine and he always made sure to spend at least a little bit of his time that day to scroll through the photos of Monbebes, recharging himself with energy as the feeling of fondness and happiness overwhelmed him, making all the daily struggles worth it. Of course, fanart and fanfiction were inevitable part of all the ways their fans used to express their love for them, but while fanart was something widely accepted and “easy” to look at – most of the time rather innocent and cute than explicit, fanfiction was more akin to a forbidden fruit to most of the idols, something dark and mysterious, dangerous in revealing all the possible dirty thoughts and fantasies their fans had about them. Hoseok was extremely curious.

He wasn’t the only one. But, unlike Hoseok who had spent a lot of time contemplating if he should really go down that road, Minhyuk just dived into it. It was simple, a click away – as he would put it. He wasn’t one bit ashamed for checking out the scenarios in which their fans liked to put them, not even bothering to check the pairing when a new story would pop up on his favorite fanfiction website. Of course he had a favorite website, along with an account packed with bookmarked stories and authors he was subscribed to. He went as far as preferring certain ship dynamics to others and strongly advocating OT7 stories as “a superior concept of art their souls and bodies (mainly bodies) form when merged together”. Imagine it – or you don’t have to, because it’s already written – he would say, grinning wickedly as he would nonchalantly share the links to stories worth reading among the members that involved them.

Kihyun most certainly didn’t want to imagine, let alone read something like that. The rest of their Monsta X family seemed to not want to either. They were all well aware of the existence of said literary works, they didn’t need Minhyuk to introduce them, but that was the part of their fans’ lives they weren’t keen to touch. Monbebes could have fun as much as they wanted to as long as they didn’t know what exactly that fun included. Shownu, Jooheon and Hyungwon didn’t pay much attention to it, only fondly thinking about their fans actually spending their free time writing about them – even if content might be something they weren’t so fond about. It was just better not to touch it. Changkyun seemed to be shyly curious about it, but whenever Minhyuk started talking about it he would put his cool emotionless mask when in fact he was scared of finding out how fans saw him, what was his character like in their little stories. Unlike the rest of them, Kihyun strongly opposed the idea of fanfiction itself, let alone stories involving any of Monsta X members, huffing in annoyance and disapproval whenever the sunshine of their group slipped some new “Kihyun story” into his inbox.

Hoseok was extremely curious. Having previous experience with reading fanfiction gave him vague idea what he could expect, but reading something with focus on strangers or fictional characters was something entirely different from reading stories about people he personally knew and was very close to. He couldn’t help but hesitate at first, thinking hard about all the reasons why he shouldn’t open that Pandora’s box. But, these were Monbebes writing, people that loved Monsta X music and them, people he loved so much in return. Their stories must be full of love too, he just wanted to see the image those talented fans painted of them, wondering how distorted from reality it was. Curiosity did kill the cat and Hoseok knew he’ll sign permission for his own premature death in the end.

The decision to ignore the works with himself as the main character proved to be good as it allowed him to ease himself into the idea of reading fictional stories about his friends. He indulged into the adventures of Showki, Joohyuk and Changki first, most of the time finding them very entertaining, which only made him proud and satisfied of the way fans portrayed them. The quality of certain stories amazed him and it was just that much easier to enjoy them – even if they were explicit, Hoseok found a way to cheat, simply replacing the names of his friends with fictional ones, doing his best to just… not go there. He certainly didn’t need the image of their naked maknae in the heat of moment with the mom of their group planted in his head.

Becoming familiar with the main ships of Monsta X was easy mainly because they were rather predictable. So, when he finally decided that he was ready to step into the world of fanfiction focusing on himself, seeing Hyungwon’s name appearing everywhere along his own didn’t come as a surprise. Hyungwonho was the thing apparently, ever since their No Mercy times. Everyone was aware they were the first “obvious” ship in Monsta X and everyone was encouraging the interactions between the two of them, the fanservice. It was such a tacky label for what the two of them were, fake and mocking, a lie of pretending or an excuse to be closer than what would be considered friendly. Real Hyungwonho was nothing like that. Real Hyungwonho were two best friends, growing closer together, holding each other’s back. Support, understanding hidden in meaningful looks, intimacy, comfort and love. Real Hyungwonho were so many things, inseparable, tangled together, standing strong through everything.

Hoseok expected Hyungwonho stories. That was an understatement – he anticipated them and the feeling was a mixture of excitement and fear as he worried he will just be disappointed. But he was curious about the two of them seen by fans. What were Hyungwonho outside of Monsta X family circle and out of their own privacy? Hyungwon has been very special to him, more special than other Monsta X members – or rather special in a different way. He was very close to Shownu as well and had a heartwarming relationship with Changkyun for example, but Hyungwon was on a different level in his heart. Depiction of their relationship in works of people who haven’t personally known them made him anxious and the stories that much more alluring.

When he finally stepped into the world of fictional Hyungwonho he was more than pleasantly surprised. The dynamics set for them could be both cute and exciting, adorable, loving or, well, arousing, depending on the work and the author. And Hoseok liked them all, as long as the author of the stories was a skillful one. He liked them like he liked Hyungwon, not running away from any kind of scenario, any kind of setting and any kind of rating. Imagining them together wasn’t set as a taboo in Hoseok’s mind as he accepted his desire for his younger best friend a long time ago and the stories now served as a fuel for his own little fantasies that he safely kept in a Hyungwon corner of his mind. Visualizing wasn’t that hard for him either as seeing the taller vocalist naked was a daily occurrence, the closeness they developed over time leading them to be comfortable around each other in a way most of the people would consider inappropriate among friends.

Hoseok couldn’t imagine his relationship with Hyungwon lacking those aspects at this point, but he could imagine it growing into something more. Now, that was a dangerous territory the older guy slowly started straying onto more and more often, especially since he started indulging himself in literature involving the two of them. It felt good and it wasn’t harming anyone, he could fantasize, right? He was sure he mastered the art of self-control and kept his behavior and thoughts as innocent as their relationship in the real world required. There was no problem, he was acting “normally” and he was happy to be at the place he was at now – surrounded with people he loved, appreciated by the people he didn’t know, but who gifted him their attention and affection, by his most important person’s side.

Only… there were times when he craved for those stories to become reality. And those cravings were starting to visit him more and more frequently.


	2. The pace of a turtle

 

 

_Sound of water hitting them created beautiful harmony with the breathy moans escaping the taller boy’s pretty lips, their red color a testimony of burning desire and a mesmerizing contrast to cold tiles against his back. It was so hot, heat was everywhere around him, pulling him in further with each thrust, with every electrifying contact their skins made. He was surrounded with water and fire that was Hyungwon and he just couldn’t get enough._

The code to their front door evoked a light melodic signal that broke the deadly silence of the early morning before Hoseok opened the door and stepped inside their dorm. He assumed most of the guys would be asleep at this time of night, the time for sun to start waking up only beginning to draw closer. He also assumed Hyungwon would wake up the moment he stepped into their room – the ability to unintentionally wake up the sleeping prince of Monsta X being one of Hoseok’s superpowers he developed over the span of time they’ve been living together. What he didn’t assume was that their main rapper would be awake, sipping on his coffee in the middle of living room while working on some lyrics.

Putting his jacket down, Hoseok walked further into the living room, causing Jooheon to stop working and look up at him.

“Oh hyung, hey.” The rapper glanced at the clock. “Long night at the studio?”

“Hm… time flew faster than usual tonight.” Hoseok shrugged lightly, walking into the kitchen to grab some water.

“I take it was productive then?” Jooheon smiled, standing up to follow him and standing by the door.

“Nah… not really.” He took a big sip before noticing Jooheon raising his eyebrows at him. “It’s going slow.”

“You don’t seem worried.” It was a statement, not a question and Hoseok paused in surprise, not sure how to respond to it, which gave Jooheon chance to continue. “What are you doing in your studio, hyung? Is it porn? You haven’t been getting much work done lately, yet you seem to pay no attention to that apparent slump…” He looked at him suspiciously. “Or is there one anyway?”

“I don’t watch porn.” The vocalist replied in a poor attempt to appear scandalized, causing the rapper to give him another disbelieving look. “I just work… slowly these days.” It was such a lame reply he felt like digging a hole in the middle of their kitchen, but considering that would require breaking the pretty tiles beneath his feet it was out of the question.

“Yeah… the pace of a turtle.” Jooheon smirked, eyeing him for a moment before shaking his head and moving to go back to his work. “Well, as long as you don’t stress about it…” he trailed off, sitting back down.

“You’re not going to bed?” Hoseok asked as he walked out of the kitchen as well, glad the questioning seemed to be over.

“I only just started.” The cute dimples greeted the tired vocalist as Jooheon smiled. “Sleep well, hyung.”

“Good night, Jooheon-ah.” He smiled back and gave a small wave before he slipped into his room.

By the time his hoodie hit the chair beside his bed a pair of warm brown eyes settled on him.

“You’re here.” Hyungwon’s sleepy voice stated the obvious as he slowly sat up and looked at him better.

“Go back to sleep, I’ll pass out soon too.” Hoseok replied, sliding his pants down his legs next, thankful Shownu was a heavy sleeper and never minded them chatting while he was asleep right next to them. He didn’t feel like talking at all though, he just needed a shower and a warm bed and the pace of a turtle was out of question when it came to it.

The model-like vocalist moved to get up instead, completely disregarding Hoseok’s suggestion and walking to the bathroom instead. Finally removing his shirt, the older guy turned to it, waiting for Hyungwon to finish his business, but when a couple of minutes passed without that happening he decided to peek into the bathroom himself.

“What? You’re not peeing?” He furrowed his eyebrows as Hyungwon stood naked under the shower, apparently doing nothing.

“Will you stand there the whole night?” He glanced at the window, first rays of sun dancing across the tiles. “Or morning… whatever.”

“You could’ve just continued sleeping.” Hoseok shook his head, but closed the door behind himself and stepped out of his underwear before going to stand beside his best friend, watching him turn on the water.

“You’re tired. I’m not risking you slipping under shower and breaking something.”

“You can’t be worried about me.” The shorter one joked, starting soaping.

“You got that right. You could break the shower… or toilet…” Hyungwon replied, a hint of contained laughter threatening to spill.

“That’s really lame, Won-ah.” Hoseok’s voice rang off the tiles as he laughed.

“It’s the best I can do at this ungodly hour.” He shrugged. “Turn around.”

Hoseok complied without thought, but the moment Hyungwon’s hands slid over his back images of the latest story he had read floated into his mind. He fought the groan that struggled to slip out of his mouth, containing himself in time and frantically trying to find something else to think about.

“You’re so tense.” Hyungwon commented, feeling the obvious strain in the older one’s back  muscles and then slowly started to massage them. “Song giving you trouble?”

“I’m just tired.” His best friend murmured, biting his lip harshly as his mind traveled from the sinful scene to his earlier conversation with Jooheon. “Heonnie asked me if I’m watching porn instead of working.” He chuckled, holding onto that distraction.

“Are you?” Well, that wasn’t what he was going for, but he wasn’t surprised Hyungwon would take that chance to tease him.

“No.” Hoseok chuckled. This conversation was doing nothing to lessen the tension. He felt Hyungwon shuffle closer until he had his chest pressed against Hoseok’s broad back, wrapping his arms around him from behind.

“Relax.” He said softly, obviously trying to make the other more comfortable, but only doing the opposite as Hoseok just took a deep breath. “Maybe you should watch that porn… it might relieve some stress.”

“I have you.” The words were out faster than his brain could comprehend they were slipping. The water rinsed the last trace of soap off his skin and apparently his sanity with it as well.

“You do and yet you’re still like this.” Hyungwon commented calmly, sliding his hands along Hoseok’s stomach as if trying to calm him down. “Try other ways of relieving stress. I really think you need it.” He added, pressing a kiss to the side of Hoseok’s neck and slowly stepping back. “I’ll wait for you in bed… don’t be long.” He opened the shower door and stepped out before wrapping a towel around himself and leaving Hoseok alone in the bathroom.

He was hard, of course he was. He just naively hoped that Hyungwon won’t notice it. Sighing, he took hold of his arousal and let all the thoughts he was trying to suppress five minutes ago fill his mind again. His eyes fluttered shut as clear image of Hyungwon appeared behind his eyelids, the beautiful tall guy from the story transforming into his best friend whose hot wet body was pressing against his own mere minutes ago. How could Hyungwon drive him so crazy with barely a few touches? He was gone, so far gone and it was supposed to worry him, yet he couldn’t not give into temptation.

The palm moved up and down his cock as Hoseok kept his eyes shut, the whole fantasy unraveling in his mind. He was torn between wanting to drag it out, tease himself, prolong the story for more intense climax and need to just rush into it, get it over with and finally go to sleep. Hyungwon was waiting. That was a fear for another time, so he pushed it, giving into the story, the way he wanted his best friend from before to slide his hand past his toned stomach to his cock, replacing his own hand. The image of the familiar hand formed in his mind, those long fingers wrapping around him firmly, knowing just the right way to drive his senses and mind to madness and his own hand moved faster, short breathy sounds escaping his lips with each stroke. He couldn’t stop, Hyungwon in his mind wouldn’t let him stop and there was no way Hoseok would want him to either, those fingers squeezed more firmly, going harder until he let one final groan escape his mouth along with his cum going down the drain.

Hoseok stared at the tiles beneath his feet and suddenly became aware of the cold water harshly hitting his hot skin, bringing him down from his high fast. Finally turning off the water, he mechanically reached for the towel and stepped out of the shower. He was used to masturbating to the image of his best friend, but this was the first time that said best friend was so obviously the cause of his arousal and he was well aware of it now. It didn’t help that Hoseok took his time with taking care of it and he didn’t particularly try to be quiet while at it either.

“What is wrong with you?” he whispered to his own reflection in the mirror before shaking his head, brushing his teeth and slipping a pair of clean boxers on, knowing he took more than enough time in the bathroom as it is.

Hyungwon quietly moved in the bed, letting him slip in beside him and immediately hugging him.

“Feeling better?” He asked, not sounding as worried as Hoseok might have expected him to.

“I’m sorry, that was… embarrassing…” He sighed. “I’m sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable.”

“Hoseok, really…” Hyungwon smiled. “We passed the point of being uncomfortable around each other a long time ago.” His hands ran down Hoseok’s back comfortably as he snuggled closer to him. “Don’t be embarrassed… it happens. And you obviously needed it.” He added.

“You really… the pace of a turtle.” Hoseok blurted, not making any sense and watched him for a moment, obviously impressed by the way Hyungwon reasoned the situation and made it not a big deal at all. Something not even worth mentioning, a natural thing that happened to everyone.

“What? Is that some new expression? Or are you following the pace of the famous meme turtle?” The taller one wiggled his eyebrows comically. “Are you a Monbebe, Hoseok-ah?” He chuckled, looking back at him.

“Of course I am. My bias is Chae Hyungwon.” He was ready to reply, laughing lightly as well.

“Go to sleep, he might be waiting for you.” Hyungwon continued to tease.

“Are you pulling off the cheesy ‘let’s meet in our dreams’ line?”

“Sleep.”

So he did, relaxing finally and letting the familiar scent of his best friend envelop him, carrying through his peaceful dream all the way to the moment of waking up. He sleepily gazed at the guy by his side, mind drifting off into search for the moment when waking up like this became more natural than sleeping alone, but he couldn’t find it – days, weeks, months so intensely mashed together in his mind, that moment must have been a part of his previous life already.

Hearing shuffling behind him he turned around to look at Shownu, receiving a knowing look laced with a hint of worry, but the leader didn’t say anything. At least not anything relatable to what Hoseok felt he would be saying with that look.

“It’s still early, you can stay in bed for a bit longer.” He just commented before leaving the room.

Hyungwon shifted, waking up as well just a moment later.

“Morning… I want to get up…” He murmured.

“Do you need to pee?”

“No.”

“Then don’t go. We still have time.”

Hyungwon looked at him, then silently nodded and snuggled back into him. Hoseok was pretty sure this moment will stay engraved in his memory as the point of his descendence into the world of reality and fiction merging together.

The line was dangerously thinning, one small turtle slowly walking along it.


	3. Hickey Slips

 

_It was impossible for him to hide the burning gaze in the bright lighting of the dance studio, but in the back of his mind he was at least grateful of his best friend’s undivided attention to his own moves. The red haired guy’s feet slid across the floor effortlessly, his body fluid yet precise, the choreography engraved in his muscles reflecting the passion his soul carried. He was the source, the messenger and the message itself. He was beautiful._

 

Hickey Slips was the author’s name. It was something close to an addiction and if Hoseok hadn’t been the sensitive needy soul he was he would have analyzed his decision to indulge and perhaps come to the conclusion that he didn’t need it in his hectic life. Colorless, boring solution. Handsome vocalist of Monsta X loved colors. He loved feeling the excitement a beautiful piece of art could bring him, the mystery of the unreleased chapter to come, the question mark symbolized in the unfinished work that brought a mess of possibilities swarming in his mind. It was as mesmerizing as it was inspirational, a lot of times providing an especially well-crafted key to one of the many hidden doors of imagination in his mind, the ones that carefully held the wonders of music waiting to be discovered.

The explanation for the addiction to this person’s work that Hoseok came up with was that it made him feel closer to Monbebes, being able to understand fans better, the way they portrayed him and his band mates – that being obvious reason and not excluding other authors, but at the same time made him feel like a fanboy himself, eagerly waiting for more and more stories to enjoy. The explanation was an excuse as he simply fell for the beautiful stories, even more for Hyungwon portrayed in them, Hyungwon he dared call his own simply because he was made of words and also for the person behind those addictive stories. The reason would’ve been enough for any other author though, but for some reason he felt the need to justify following this particular person’s work in some other way. Such a simple explanation didn’t give those stories all the credit they deserved.

Pinpointing what was so special about Hickey Slips was difficult for Hoseok. He spent way too much time thinking about it when he first realized that most of his favorite stories carried Hickey’s signature all over them and more explicitly under them. Yes, he used the first part of the author’s name as a pet name in his mind, but did that bother him? Not in the slightest. Just like his silly addiction the name came naturally to him, exploding in beautiful shades of purple – the color of hickeys, much like the sensations hitting him whenever a notification of a new chapter or a new story popped up on his screen.

Hickey was unpredictable. They liked exploring foreign worlds, interesting settings, experimenting with story lines. And they went beyond that, toying with personalities, altering characters with each story, crafting them skillfully. Hoseok never knew what to expect next and it kept him on his toes. It also made him first suspect and then start to firmly believe he was actually indirectly watching a coming-of-age story of Hickey, an aspiring young writer who was on the quest to find his way in the literary sky. There was no place in it to settle down, it was just a never ending journey, a path of growth that will never stop. It was relatable as Hoseok was a wanderer himself, his music path full of unpredictable crossroads and turns, road ahead looking fun simply because it was so blurry. Parallels were drawn, the connection he felt to Hickey thickening and he just hoped the path of maturity for both of them won’t reach its sad, final end, finding false satisfaction when nothing should ever be enough on the road of imagination.

That’s how Hoseok’s fascination with author along with their work started, only deepening as he continued toying with the idea of their connection more. It felt like they were living together in a strange relationship where they both knew the other one existed, but the singer felt like he had an upper hand since the writer had no clue that famous Wonho of Monsta X read his work. Hoseok felt weird satisfaction, being a sneaky character of a little story he came up with in his mind, the one that was secretly observing the writer’s development, rooting for them in return for getting the honor to be the main character of their stories. In reality, Hickey became the main character of Hoseok’s own story – the one obviously hidden from the real world, the world that knew nothing about his little, secret, dirty pleasure.

Like his pseudonym the writer slipped hickeys on Hoseok’s mind, on his heart and soul – marks of desire and love, tingling reminders of the images he wanted to experience again, in fiction and in reality. Their stories claimed him in a way music did, bringing him to magical realms, making him taste the simple, yet irresistible words dripping with raw emotions. Hickeys were beautiful, tainting the milky surface they decorated, like the simple strokes of a skilled artist that built complexity of meaning on a blank canvas. Hoseok felt like being transformed into a piece of art himself, both being the inspiration for stories and those same stories inspiring him in return. The piece of art producing art.

The stories were always set in an alternate universe and they always focused on Hyungwonho ship, with minor or no mention of the rest of Monsta X members. Hoseok found it somewhat strange in the beginning, not used to no one else but Hyungwon and him appearing in a story, let alone in so many of them under the name of the same author. However, he just accepted it as it was and soon realized he wouldn’t have had it any other way since the settings and storylines always somehow formed a special bubble-like universe around the images of him and his best friend. Secretly, that was all that Hoseok wanted, everything he needed in reality. This fiction and this particular author could give it to him. The ultimate fantasy – to dive in and drown.

Journey through the stories was always a roller coaster ride, Hoseok’s fear for his life laced with excitement without end all the way through it. He died and was brought back to life too many times to count and every time he was only left craving for more, over and over again wanting to feel that familiar rush of adrenaline. Numerous scenes of a familiar love scenario, of gorgeous Hyungwon by his side, feeling, breathing, loving the same way Hoseok from reality did were the liquid need to him at this point and he just wanted for his thirst to be taken care of.

Well-known giddiness ran through his body as the notification about a new story by Hickey flashed on the singer’s phone. He was in his studio again, actually doing some work as he couldn’t afford Jooheon or anyone else asking further questions. Nowadays he would get some satisfying amount of daily work done first and then reward himself with a relaxing reading session before heading back to dorm. New story by Hickey signalized the end of today’s work – that much was clear.

This time the story was something completely different from the writer’s usual work. No alternate universe, setting too close, filled with all the familiar faces. People of his life, reality painfully dripping from every sentence and this was just the beginning of the story. Hoseok was Hoseok, Hyungwon was Hyungwon and it all just felt that much more real. He was sucked into the story, it being too tempting for him to resist. It was extremely beautiful, right from the start, just like Hoseok expected it to be. It also screamed “danger” in bright neon lights and even though it was supposed to be a warning the singer just welcomed it with a bright smile, signing up for more without hesitation.

Recklessness was a part of Hoseok’s character. He was a soft, emotional sweetheart – cuteness and warmth trapped in a strong, manly body thousands of girls and boys all around the world drooled over. An idol in love with people who appreciated him and his family, yes, but a playful one. Monsta X bunny, jumping around excitedly, enjoying the sun and bright sky, smiling at the colors of the world and picking flowers for his best friend – the sleepy turtle who appeared to be tired of life even though he hasn’t even started it yet, but who liked flowers and never failed to match the bright smile the bunny gave him. And that little bunny was up for mischief, not paying attention to stupid warnings if fun was at stake on the other side.

The world was offering so many adventures and bunny kept his suitcases close , ready to embark on a fun trip full of danger, temptations and trials. The bunny was small for the big bad world and he was trying so hard to grow up a bit more with each adventure, filling the suitcases with souvenirs from previous quests before moving on without much thought. There was always a possibility of the next trip being too dangerous, too reckless, bringing misfortune to the small bunny, crushing him with the weight of the world, yet that never stopped him. The image of one happy little turtle would push away all the worries and bunny would be full of energy once again, turning his cute smile towards the warm sun, ready to embrace whatever life had in store for him.

No matter how many adventures he had survived until now not one of them could’ve prepared Hoseok for this new journey. Set outside of the real world, yet being so real, so alive, like a mirror of reality – a mirror that should’ve been clear indication that looking at it would indeed be a very, very bad idea, it disguised itself into something simple, innocent, just a bended reality, distorted enough for it to be subtly different and much more fun. It was so inviting, like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and Hoseok was ready to jump onto the train, feeling like missing onto the fun waiting just for him – it was his story, about him and for him after all – would be something he would inevitably regret.

On the other hand, there was really not much to fear, wasn’t there? So far all his previous trips have always been fun and ended in more than satisfying ways, allowing him to pack so many great memories once the adventure was finished and he usually felt stronger and more energetic after them, ready to put all that energy into making beautiful art himself. Up until now Hickey has never failed to bring all that joy at the end of the road to him, so he had faith in his little friend whose face he didn’t know, but who has been a wonderful companion for so many great voyages already. This one was bound to be successful and enjoyable as well, even if it was completely different from all the previous ones. Challenges were there to be taken, trying out new things was liberating and there was always something to look forward to in the end of it all. Hoseok was sure there was some important lesson to collect from any situation he might encounter. He wasn’t wrong about that.

The bunny picked his clean, new clothes, spending a bit of time wondering what exactly he should take with himself, packed his precious little suitcases and gave the little turtle in his mind a loud, loving kiss before stepping out of his comfort zone. The gloomy sky greeted him, sun shyly peeking from behind the clouds, worriedly eyeing the road bunny was already stepping on. Sweet, fluffy ball of emotions chose to ignore it.


	4. Useless fears

 

 

_Knowing gaze of their youngest member shifted from one to the other, a small smirk lingering on his face a bit too long for his taste. It wasn’t the first time the tall vocalist wondered if he was being too obvious, but he also didn’t know exactly how to change his behavior without looking too weird or raise questions. Well, as long as his best friend was unaware of the whole mess he put himself into it had to be enough for him._

 

Changkyun sighed in a mixture of exhaustion and satisfaction as he pulled a clean shirt over his head, hoodie following soon after. It was already past midnight, but he wanted to practice more by himself, so most of his fellow members left home leaving him behind hours ago. Silence fell upon the dance studio, the calmness lingering in the air of the whole building as the maknae of Monsta X was one of the few people in it. The short rapper smiled to himself, feeling good about his practice and grabbed his backpack before switching the lights off and closing the door of the studio.

He knew not all of his members left to dorm, when they were in between comebacks Hoseok’s usual work day would always reach its end in his studio. Changkyun was physically tired, but the dance practice at the same time filled him with energy and he quickly went to buy some coffee and snacks, deciding to check on his hyung instead of going straight home. Soon he was in front of the studio door, knocking lightly before peeking his head in, only to find it empty.

Walking in he put his backpack and food down, assuming Hoseok stepped out for a moment as his computer and equipment were still on. He curiously looked at the computer as the screen showed nothing that looked like Hoseok’s editing software, but a mess of words instead. Next came furrowing of his eyebrows as he read the lines in slight confusion until he finally understood what they were.

Fanfiction was something Changkyun was very hesitant to try. At the same time he was very curious about it, the thought of discovering what kind of stories their fans put them in tempting. They all knew Minhyuk was a loyal reader, not very picky either and the maknae’s inbox was expanding with stories at least once per week, yet he never did anything about them, acting as those emails didn’t exist. He actually wanted to check them out more than once, but he stopped himself every time, too afraid.

Changkyun knew his worries were most probably uncalled for at this point, but the sting of insecurity, no matter how small, still existed. Ever since No Mercy time he felt unsure about his image among the fans. He knew he had a lot of fans of his own and they were really nice and caring. He also knew he matured a lot ever since then, improved his skills and has really always been as important as the rest of Monsta X members. But starting as an outcast still left small doubts here and there, resurfacing whenever someone insulted idol rappers or his visual hyungs stole the attention of the crowd with their good looks. Monsta X took great care of him ever since that initial awkward situation, ever since they got to know each other better and he couldn’t have asked for better family. He felt loved and the sense of belonging together was there for sure, along with his effortless focus on work, something he enjoyed greatly and felt the best doing. Still, worrying about Monbebes’ opinion was just there.

Staying away from fanfiction was an easy choice in that sense, no matter how curious he was. No one but Minhyuk read it anyway, most of the group really not finding interest in it whatsoever – well, beyond the awareness that it was out there in cyber space somewhere and that their fans found joy in writing and reading it. And now it seemed like Minhyuk wasn’t exactly the only Monsta X member reading it. Changkyun took a seat in front of Hoseok’s computer, curiously reading one of the paragraphs in front of him and finding those couple of sentences pretty well written.

It wasn’t like he expected anything, he never even went beyond the initial dilemma about wanting to know fans’ opinion or not to actually think about the literary quality of any of those works. However, now that he took a glimpse of some of it he didn’t mind it. If he were honest, judging from that short part the style was really beautiful and mirrored something he would’ve probably liked to read if it were regular fiction. Or at least not involving himself? He wasn’t even sure anymore, just the thought of two of his hyungs reading these stuff was enough to make him waver.

“What are you doing?” He turned around quickly as Hoseok closed the door behind him, looking him in what looked like a mixture of slight anger and worry and Changkyun got up.

“Hyung… you’re reading this?” Not knowing what else to say he internally cringed at his choice of question and shut up, trying not to make the situation awkward – in Changkyun’s mind they were just too close to ever get awkward over something as silly as fanfiction.

“I… might have checked it out for inspiration.” The older guy muttered, looking away and noticing food on the nearby table. “Ah, you bought coffee…”

“You don’t have to lie to me, hyung.” Changkyun almost pouted in disappointment and Hoseok looked up again.

“It is a source of inspiration.” Well, it wasn’t a lie. Just not entire truth.

“Is that all it is?” The maknae raised his eyebrows in question again, suddenly feeling like a parent on the verge of scolding the cute troublemaking kid in front of him, when in reality there was nothing to be scolded for.

“I’m not Minhyuk.” Hoseok scoffed lightly, trying to mask it with playfulness.

“There’s nothing wrong with being Minhyuk.” Changkyun shrugged, chuckling lightly and looked back at the monitor. “Is this Hyungwonho?”

“It’s focusing on Hyungwonho, yes.” The rapper didn’t have to look to feel his hyung getting slightly flustered and took a moment to turn back to him and eye him. “What? It’s really not badly written.”

“I can see that. It’s still about you and Wonnie hyung.” Changkyun smirked, grabbing one coffee and leaning back in his chair, keeping his teasing gaze on the older guy.

“You’ve been awfully respectful tonight, Kyun-ah.” Hoseok chuckled, drinking his coffee.

“You’re already having a hard time trying to convince me you don’t read fanfiction. I’m being nice.” Hoseok didn’t know what exactly to say to that, so the maknae continued. “Why is it a big deal? Except that this particular one is about the boy you love?”

“Changkyun…” It took him a moment to talk, still not knowing how to defend himself. Changkyun didn’t seem surprised at all and Hoseok’s mind filled with thoughts, going back and forth in wonder how many of the members could read him like an open book.

Shownu knew about his infatuation with Hyungwon, it’s been a long time since he noticed and confirmed it with Hoseok. The leader wasn’t very subtle, but he was kind and rational and liked talking about things that needed to be talked about as soon as they appeared. There was no way to avoid it and Hoseok didn’t want to anyway, since Shownu has been one of the closest people to him and he just really needed support. Someone else to know, to understand and perhaps help if the time for help comes. Shownu however, didn’t know about him reading fanfiction and Hoseok really didn’t feel like he should tell him. It was just a little, meaningless hobby, something to relax with after a hardworking day. He knew their leader wouldn’t judge him – he even found Minhyuk’s silly obsession with it endearing, but he was still somewhat ashamed of it and that secret was supposed to be his own dirty pleasure.

Except that now it wasn’t anymore, with Changkyun knowing. He couldn’t tell exactly what the maknae thought about it, but so far he wasn’t being teased nor did the rapper show signs of disapproval. Then again, Minhyuk openly flaunted his reading escapades and no one paid much attention to that. Changkyun was looking at him now, waiting for some sort of reply and Hoseok sighed deeply, relaxing in his seat, deciding to just be honest.

“It’s embarrassing, I guess.”

“Why? I mean… you’re just curious, right?” The maknae watched him. “I’m curious too. But I’ve always been just scared.”

“Of course I was curious… in the beginning.” Hoseok nodded, his gaze softening when Changkyun told him he was scared. “I’ve been reading it for quite some time now. I tried not to read stories with me at first, but in the end… Hyungwonho.” He chuckled a bit. “I’m really hooked on them now, that’s why it’s embarrassing…”

“So, you basically replaced porn with well-written literature.” The youngest teased finally, grinning like a dork when Hoseok threw a bunny toy at him. “That’s not such a bad choice, hyung. It might help you become more eloquent now.”

“And this is exactly why no one should ever know if you read fanfiction.” Hoseok shook head and sipped on his coffee again. “Why are you afraid? Because of the ships? Or sex?”

“No.” Changkyun pouted for real this time, fiddling with coffee in his hands. “I might not like my image in them?” He tried to explain and ran his hand through his hair. “It’s not for me to read anyway… but, what if I’m portrayed as some weird outcast who sneaked his way into your little happy group? I know it’s not true and that No Mercy was a long time ago now and we’re all just loving each other and working hard and we have awesome fans. I just have those thoughts… what if some people still see me as someone who doesn’t belong in Monsta X?”

“Those people are not Monbebes then.” Hoseok simply replied. “And your image in these stories is nothing to be afraid of, trust me. You’re a precious little bean, fans are pretty much overdoing it to be honest.”

“Hey, I’m an angel.” Changkyun grinned briefly before pausing and getting serious again. “Maybe I should try reading something after all… It must be extremely interesting if you’re hooked on them.”

“Hm… yeah… you could try.” The vocalist nodded a bit. “Kyun-ah, am I really obvious about Hyungwon?”

“Hyung, you’ve been slightly painful to watch for a very long time now. We’re just used to it.”

“Only slightly?”

“Wonnie hyung is clueless. But your relationship has always been something else, so I’m not surprised it’s not that easy for him to figure it out.”

Hoseok sipped on the rest of his coffee slowly as the reality of his situation sank in. It wasn’t that big of a deal – he rather felt like he had another supporter who knew his secret now and it made him feel a tiny bit lighter, Changkyun’s warmth making him feel that much better.

“Ah I should show you what I’ve been working on lately…” The vocalist got up to move to the computer, ready to play some of his new, unfinished music. Changkyun happily moved, the whole conversation bringing them closer together and then wrapped his arms around his hyung, hugging him tightly from behind.

“I’ve got your back, hyung.” He cooed cheesily. “Also… can you maybe send me some Jookyun stories?”

Hoseok could feel the heat of Changkyun’s burning cheeks radiate through his shirt, warming up his back and he let his bright laughter ring off the studio walls right before the mixture of trendy beats and beautiful melody replaced it.


	5. Flowers of desperation

 

_Warm hand slid over his own, fingers tangling together – an action they were both so used to – and pulling him closer, physically and mentally, until everything the taller one was able to feel was his best friend. He never minded it, them being so close has always been comfortable, melting the cold around them with the warmth their bond radiated and the only label he wanted to put on the relationship they shared was happiness. The seed of desperation in the back of his mind threatened to taint it._

 

The bunny hissed in pain as a small droplet of bright red blood stained his fluffy white fur. He frowned, looking at the malicious thorn and then at the beautiful rose that carried it, but still putting the flower safely away with a couple of others, a smiling turtle on his mind encouraging him to continue collecting beautiful tokens of love along his way.

There was a nagging feeling in the back of Hoseok’s mind. Whenever he wasn’t absolutely sure about his own decisions a small nagging voice – sounding suspiciously close to Kihyun’s – appeared to whisper words of disapproval, listing the reasons that identified the said decision as a mistake. The vocalist was extremely stubborn when his special, meaningful adventures were concerned, so the voice was doomed to the lonely life of being ignored. It was careless, but once the adventure started Hoseok wasn’t the one to easily give it up and just go home.

Hickey outdid themselves this time, drawing realistic images with an amazing precision, their grasp on readers’ attention more firm than ever before. The words flew effortlessly, building the story mesmerizing in its clear beauty, so real that Hoseok had an impression his and his groups’ doppelgangers could step out of it into the real world any moment now. He wasn’t entirely sure they didn’t have the ability to, he suspected they simply chose not to, for the sake of both of their worlds.

The story basically followed their lives, briefly touching the period of training, then focusing on No Mercy and from then on the plot was only thickening, speeding over their debut and along their career, characters developing along the story in a natural way. It almost felt like the author knew them, although there were some obvious alterations, subtle changes in characters and events they were a part of. Even with the obvious differences Hoseok felt exposed, more naked than ever before and from time to time he would stop reading, letting his mind wonder back and analyze his own actions in the past, contemplating if he left himself too uncovered, too vulnerable for everyone to see. It was hard to do it as he was always trying to be pretty open in interactions with public. Perhaps that has always been a mistake, but that was who he was and he knew he never regretted it. How could this story make him question himself?

As he continued reading he reached inner peace with himself, stopping questioning it all and deciding to just enjoy the story, like always. However, the fact that it was too realistic made him feel all the emotions dripping off the words much more intensively and soon his heart ached in happiness and desperation, the rollercoaster ride set much higher and especially ruthless. Hoseok couldn’t tell if the road ahead of him would give him peace at any point, but that nagging little voice was strongly denying it.

Closing the door behind him he kicked his shoes off, too tired to care, and quickly moved to his room. The day was long, work piling up and he tried his best to focus on it. It was pretty productive, despite the whole turmoil of thoughts attacking him lately and his heart seeming to be in constant pain – or maybe thanks to it all. Fighting stress with hard work has been a habit acquired a long time ago and Hoseok always slipped right back into it at the appearance of a single negative thought. It was a well rehearsed, learnt reflex and he was thankful for it.

His stomach let out a small growl as he changed his clothes, partly wondering where Hyungwon was, since the silence of the room was only disturbed by Shownu’s even deep breathing. Knowing he should probably eat something before actually collapsing he quickly went to the kitchen, surprised when he was met with a tall figure standing by the window and sipping coffee.

“Hey. You not sleeping is a miracle not to be questioned.” Hoseok chuckled lightly, opening the fridge and grabbing something simple to fill his empty stomach with.

“I couldn’t sleep.” Hyungwon simply replied, moving to lean against the counter next to his best friend, talking quietly as if to not disturb the peace of the sleepy dorm.

“And you thought coffee would help?” The shorter vocalist said playfully, yet not being able to hide the surprise in his voice at the fact that the sleepy prince of Monsta X had trouble falling asleep.

“This is the only time of the day when I can meet you.” The taller one’s gaze examined the black coffee in his hand, comparing the darkness of the night with it and the silence that followed his statement in his mind. The unsaid sentence lingered in between them until Hoseok started eating, subtly disturbing the silence once again. “I miss you.”

The words felt safer to say under the soft sound of chewing the older guy produced. It wasn’t something difficult to say as it wasn’t something that was a secret or something that never happened before. Tonight, though, they felt different on Hyungwon’s lips, carrying the nostalgic weight and certain sadness he didn’t put effort to mask. Hoseok paused, looking over at him and quickly shushing the nagging voice in his head before he felt confident to speak.

“I’m right here… I’m sorry.”

“I know you’ve been busy, it’s not like we’re not working together anyway.” Hyungwon brushed it off, chuckling lightly, the unnatural sound leaving his lips sounding so artificial that he fought the urge to frown at it.

“We should spend more time together really… why is this life so hectic?” Hoseok felt like he just spoke for the sake of talking, as if silence would eat them both up if he stopped. That was weird, silence has always been comfortable when they were engulfed in it. Tonight was different in so many ways his heart started aching again. Stupid nagging voice.

“Oh god, we’re awkward… I’m making us awkward.” The cup of unfinished coffee touched the surface of the counter as Hyungwon shook his head. “This is ridiculous, forget I said anything.”

“I miss you too, Won-ah.” The shorter vocalist quickly replied. He was tensed again, more than usual, his life not giving him peace and he wasn’t making it any easier for himself. Hence that little nagging voice in his mind again.

“What is wrong?” Hyungwon turned to him, his gaze boring into Hoseok’s, making him uncomfortable in a matter of seconds, reminding him of the story he has been reading lately in the way it made him feel exposed. Why is he naked all the time lately?

“I’m stressed, that’s all.” He replied as simply as Hyungwon did when asked about sleep. His best friend let the dark silence eat that explanation, leaving Hoseok questioning if he bought that nonsense or not. Either way he decided to drop it, simply nodding his head and lowering his gaze, letting it fall on the shorter one’s empty plate.

Hoseok turned to wash the dishes, finishing quickly before drying his hands and turning back to Hyungwon who moved back to the window, looking up at the night sky as he waited. The older guy walked over to him and wrapped his arms around him, burying his head in his best friend’s back and taking a deep breath, regretting how it sounded in contrast to the newly formed silence. Suddenly, he felt like crying. The work was hectic, but it wasn’t anything he wasn’t used to. He was making his own life miserable, reading that ridiculous fiction, filled with images of Hyungwon and him in situations he was so used to. Missing something he already had was as weird as missing something he never did nor ever will, yet he felt that all at once and it was just overwhelming. Too much to take, making him feel so pathetic, but it was too late now. No going back.

With the feeling of Hoseok’s lightly shaking form, Hyungwon slowly turned around to face him, the shocked expression on his face disappearing as quickly as it appeared when he was met with his best friend’s teary eyes before he quickly hugged him in return. Another deep breath the older one took cut through the silence and the model-like idol shook his head quickly, his hand naturally going up to soothingly massage his best friend’s scalp in a silent reassurance that there was absolutely no reason to hold back in front of him. There was no reason to hide, Hyungwon earnestly hoped Hoseok would never struggle to do something so pointless. And he was scared, terrified of Hoseok putting up walls between them, shielding himself away from him, distancing, leaving him. The scary thought paired with those moist eyes watching him brought tears to his own eyes, not giving him time to even think how ridiculous they must have looked, standing in the darkness of the kitchen together, their forms barely illuminated by the moonlight, on the verge of crying. What for? He had no idea, but there was pain and it was begging to show itself. That was enough of an explanation for him.

The shorter vocalist’s tears slid down his cheeks, simple trails decorating flawless skin shifting the air around them completely, shattering the tension and bringing them one tiny step closer to peace. There was a way ahead to it, but Hoseok let go and Hyungwon almost sighed in relief as his fingers brushed those trails off his best friend’s cheeks and the older guy finally pushed himself closer, burying his head in his taller friend’s neck, unable to stop a soft sob leaving his lips as more tears followed. Long arms circled around him, hold tightening as Hoseok desperately gripped his shirt in return and cried silently more.

Hyungwon felt his own heart crying along, following the light tremor of the built up body against his and trembling in sync, not being able to do anything else but be the silent, strong support for his big softy of a best friend. He had no idea what else he could give to Hoseok at the moment, despite the fact that he would’ve given him absolutely everything he could as long as the other one asked for it. Standing there, holding him as tightly as the grip on his back was might not have been enough, but Hoseok seemed to be calming down and that was enough for now. Hyungwon turned his head to plant gentle kisses along Hoseok’s hair – like a little turtle returning precious flowers to his caring bunny and feeling warmth spread along his whole lanky body at the sensation of soft kisses lingering on his neck, each press of lips getting imprinted on his skin.

They stayed like that for a long time, simply standing in the silent darkness, holding onto each other and pressing soothing flowers onto each other’s skin – licking wounds. Bunny’s fluffy white fur shone under the moonlight much more mesmerizing than during the day. Turtle’s flowers’ bright colors softened, their special fragrance intensifying as it enveloped them both, eventually lulling them to sleep.


	6. Web of lies

 

_It was becoming more apparent that his heart signed up for a long, helpless life filled with bittersweet pain, reading undeniable closeness as a sign of love that was a lie. A big fat lie. Bluntness was something he was proud of and he wasn’t the one to lie to himself. Not because it would save him from more pain later – it wouldn’t, but because he just couldn’t bring himself to not be honest with himself. He was better than that, therefore he deserved better than that too. Yet, he didn’t deserve him._

 

The leader of Monsta X observed his friend as he did his best to go over the choreography once again, checking for any kind of things that should be improved. Hoseok was pushing himself especially hard these days and that could never pass unnoticed by Shownu. It’s been a while since the air surrounding him shifted into something the dad of Monsta X couldn’t precisely label, but even if the change raised the level of Hoseok’s productivity he didn’t like it. It turned him into something akin to a robot, hard working without break, but lacking honest joy that has always been an essential part of Hoseok’s personality. The music he produced was still beautiful, but it was music of a crying soul as Shownu could clearly hear the urgent weeps for help in between the verses.

Usually, the big, caring leader would react sooner, but this time it felt like Hoseok was giving into the pain he was obviously going through, so he opted to give him some time to live it out and perhaps find a way to get over it on his own. He didn’t expect the maknae to come to him suddenly, looking as gloomy as Shownu felt and tell him all about Hoseok’s secret activities.

Reading fanfiction wasn’t worth mentioning really. Shownu found the problem Changkyun laid out to him worth laughing about, but as the rapper’s story continued he began to connect the dots. When he finally took everything into consideration it was no wonder Hoseok was a walking zombie. He just couldn’t imagine this kind of scenario would happen – it sounded like a badly written plot for a drama… or a pointlessly angsty fanfiction. Apparently, Hoseok was into that kind of things.

Once the practice was over Shownu gave a small nod to Changkyun and packed his things, noticing Hoseok was as fast to leave first as always and then told the rest of the guys the two of them had to stop by the vocalist’s studio for a bit. The leader never had a problem with talking to his members, as awkward as he could be in public when it came to his family he was as open, loving, but straight-forward as possible. It was just normal for him to address the issue efficiently, trying his best to understand his members’ different personalities, wishes and needs and knowing he could expect the same from them simply because no matter how stubborn or different they were at the end of the day they were a family. And family was there to exist together, support each other and prosper together. This time however he had no idea how to approach the subject. Even though he did understand what Hoseok was probably going through the sheer peculiarity of the situation the vocalist put himself into was, in lack of better words, plainly ridiculous. He only hoped that taking Changkyun with him will prove to be a good idea.

They knocked on Hoseok’s door faster than Shownu would’ve liked and for a moment he wondered if the silliness of the situation was rubbing off on him. Moment later they were in the studio, facing a slightly surprised Hoseok who looked from one to the other in question before his expression changed into what Shownu read as comprehension. He could tell why they were there.

“You told him?” The question was directed at the maknae, but Hoseok didn’t sound surprised nor angry. Tired was a proper word for the undertone of his voice.

“I had to hyung. Look at you.” Changkyun sounded almost as desperate as Hoseok’s latest song.

“I’m just stressed, overworked and tired.”

“And there’s no need for you to be like that, we’re not going to die or disappear if you don’t finish the enormous amount of work you took upon yourself in a day or two. Unless you’re going for death?” Well, that was harsher than Shownu planned it to be, but he spoke before thinking it through. Apparently, this affected him more than he was willing to admit.

“Hm… Maybe I am.” Hoseok chuckled, trying to lighten up the atmosphere, but no one was fooled. They knew him too well, after all.

“Listen, I know you deal with stress by… somehow giving yourself more stress. I know you’re calling it work and you’re using it to forget what’s really bugging you, but you’re just exhausting yourself and you’re making us all miserable.” It felt like stating a generic bunch of obvious things and Shownu didn’t like it one bit, but for some reason that kind of approach gave him the feel of being in control of the conversation – a steady start so he could ease both himself and Hoseok into it before touching the real issue. Changkyun stayed silent, understanding what Shownu was trying to do and waiting for the right moment to speak up himself.

“I’m sorry.” Hoseok looked down, sighing deeply. He sounded so tired that Shownu had to force himself to ignore that pain in order to stay firm and continue the talk.

“I don’t want your apology, Hoseok. I want you to stop torturing yourself.” He bit his lip for a moment, watching him. “Why are you reading Hyungwonho?”

“It was a fantasy.” The shorter vocalist watched him, obviously not refusing to talk. Maybe that was one of the things with Shownu, maybe that’s why he was the leader, but for some reason all of them could never refuse to talk to Shownu. Except maybe Kihyun. But he was a special bean of his own. And maybe Hoseok came to the point when he just couldn’t help himself and he needed the support.

“Was? It’s not anymore?” He furrowed his eyebrows, not understanding what Hoseok meant exactly. “Or is it not your fantasy anymore?”

“It… it’s not a fantasy I’d choose anymore… and it feels so real.” Hoseok quietly replied, feeling ashamed all over again, much more than when Changkyun found out about his little obsession.

“Stop reading.” It sounded so easy, why would anyone willingly choose to torture themselves?

“It’s not that easy.” He felt the need to explain. “Even if I stop it’s… haunting me. Because it’s true.”

Shownu had the feeling this was exactly the case when Changkyun told him all about it yesterday.

“Hyung, I read some of it. And you’re right, it’s so real. It’s ridiculous and you’re merging it with reality, that's even more ridiculous. It’s not healthy, hyung, please stop.” The maknae was obviously trying to control himself and not offend Hoseok, but the word “ridiculous” clearly rang in both Shownu’s and Hoseok’s minds, screaming the obvious truth. He messed himself up to the point of projecting fiction into reality.

“I… I know it’s a story, I haven’t lost it or anything…” Hoseok felt the need to explain. “It just made me think about so many things. But mainly the fact that Hyungwon will never love me as anything more than a friend.” He paused, gathering his thoughts. “I thought I was alright with that in the past. But I kept fantasizing and he has always been so amazing to me – that’s why we’re best friends, yeah… but then maybe I started reading something from there that wasn’t actually there and somewhere along the way I started hoping maybe? I’m not even sure what I did or what I thought might change in the future. This story is just… a slap in the face. Like, wake up call. So I stopped fooling myself and decided to drown in misery?” He offered a small smile. “The misery makes some good music though, don’t you think?”

“Please don’t joke with this.” Shownu shook his head. “Just stop reading, it’s obviously not doing you any good. Then you’re going to get some good sleep, eat well and go to the gym with me. It will be alright if you let us help you.”

“I can’t stop reading.”

“No, hyung, you won’t stop reading. There’s a difference.” Changkyun was truly annoyed by now. “You actually analyzed your own actions, decisions and feelings, understood how you got yourself in this situation and you’re just going to continue? Do you have a thing for torturing yourself or what?”

Hoseok watched him for a long moment, wishing he could just escape from this conversation already. He was tired as it was and he knew everything Shownu and Changkyun were saying was true. There was no energy left in him to go against that. But he still needed for them to understand, even if they couldn’t accept it.

“I can’t. It’s affecting me a lot, yes, yet I need to know how it finishes. Maybe…” He looked down, a new wave of shame hitting him. “Maybe there’s hope.”

“Hoseok, we’re talking about a story some fan is writing about who they think we are and what they think is going on in our lives. You’re saying you’re not reflecting it onto reality, but that’s exactly what you’re doing.” For the first time in a long while Shownu was scared. Hoseok was acting far from normal. “Are you seriously telling me the outcome of some fictional story is going to determine the state of your mind and heart? Your relationship with Hyungwon? And you’re just going to be an insane hardworking zombie ready to combust from stress in any moment until that happens? I can’t approve of that.” Shownu paused before deciding to just say what was on his mind. “I’d rather push you to actually solve it with Hyungwon once and for all – even at the risk of disrupting the teamwork.”

There was no way Hoseok would take that offer. That was too much, too scary as he couldn’t afford losing Hyungwon completely and then losing Monsta X in the process too. There were just too many things at stake in that equation and his heart simply wasn’t worth it.

“Please. I’ll try to get some rest and act more… normal… I just need to finish it.” he looked back at the two of them. “I need to have that conclusion, whatever it is.”


	7. No exit

 

_Porcelain skin under his fingertips looked so flawless, unreal, out of this world. His gaze traced the soft eyelashes resting against the soft cheeks, then followed the straight line of the sleeping one’s nose and lingered on the beautiful lips he found himself drawn to more and more often. Fear of being obvious gnawed on him, so the only time when he could openly stare at his handsome best friend without being discovered was during the transition in between night and day, when moon and stars were too tired to pay attention and sun still not wide awake to uncover his undeniable adoration. He carried the title of sleepy prince of Monsta X and it was true that he loved sleeping. But he still loved Hoseok more._

 

Hoseok kept his promise, trying his best to get to his senses and not think much about the fiction that was causing all the pointless painful thoughts trouble his mind. He also put effort to not overwork himself and sink back into his normal routine of spending time in the gym with Shownu, eating healthier food and heading back home as soon as he felt too tired to do anything else. Robot-like actions were still present, but he did better job at disguising them and tried to indulge himself in some careless fun activities in order to distract himself. Physically he felt much better. Emotionally not really, but that was something he tried so hard not to think about. He could feel Shownu’s and Changkyun’s gaze on him almost constantly, but with each day passing it became something he got used to and didn’t bother him anymore, especially since he felt those gazes gradually softening, traces of worry getting lighter. He could do this, it will be alright, it will pass and he will go back to being the same old Hoseok, a playful Monsta X bunny everyone loved.

It was one of the rare occasions when they were all relaxing in the dorm, spending time together with some good food and a movie night planned beforehand. They have just finished dinner and Minhyuk bounced over to find a movie for them to watch, Jooheon trailing after him to help him choose. Hyungwon plopped down on one of the chairs, taking out his phone to lazily scroll down fancafe as he waited and Hoseok sat down on the floor beneath his best friend’s long legs, dumping a bunch of snacks on the table in front of him. The mom of the group entered a moment later, carrying drinks as he left the leader and maknae to finish cleaning the mess they made during dinner. The phone on the couch vibrated, the screen lighting up and Kihyun moved to take it.

“Kyun-ah, you got a notification!” He called out, looking in the direction of the kitchen.

“It must be manager hyung, he told me he’ll send me the schedule for mixtape recording later… Read it, hyung.” Changkyun cheerfully replied over the sound of dish washing.

Kihyun hummed, opening the message and raised an eyebrow at its content before reading more, confirming that it indeed was what he thought it was.

“Lim Changkyun!” He yelled, causing the rest of the members to stop what they were doing and look at the short, obviously furious, vocalist, the maknae coming into the room with the leader a moment later. “What is this?” Kihyun showed him the phone.

“Hyung…” Changkyun started hurriedly, not sure what he should say, but Kihyun didn’t want him to continue anyway.

“It’s fanfiction. You’re reading fanfiction?” Everyone watched him swell with unnecessary anger, not really understanding the situation.

“So what if he’s reading?” Minhyuk stood up quickly and Shownu sucked in a breath, slowly shaking his head as he knew what was coming.

“I thought we agreed not to do it.” Kihyun obviously took a step back, understanding quickly that it probably looked like he was overreacting.

“We didn’t agree on anything. I’m still reading and you’re still getting fanfiction from me, or have you not been checking your mail?” Minhyuk crossed his arms, smirking a bit teasingly. He liked pushing Kihyun’s buttons, no matter the situation, but here he was actually on the verge of being offended by his friend’s harsh reaction to some harmless fun.

“You’re something else. He…”

“I honestly hope that was a compliment, Ki.” The ball of sunshine continued. “He what? Are you afraid he’ll read Changki stories? You know, you two are a pretty popular ship out there.”

“Minhyuk.” Kihyun growled in a warning and Hoseok turned to look at Changkyun, the maknae looking extremely embarrassed by this point. The vocalist felt a strong need to hug him laced with a feeling of guilt. He was the one to actually give him the final push to start reading, after all.

“Kihyun.” Minhyuk responded again, looking strangely calm in contrast to the main vocalist’s fuming state. “It’s really not a big deal, let the kid read what he wants.”

“I’m not reading Changki, hyung, if that’s what you’re worried about.” The maknae stepped up slowly, daring to look at Kihyun and trying to swallow his embarrassment.

“No, I can see this is Jookyun.” And the shame was back. How could his hyung be so careless? He could see Jooheon look in his direction from the corner of his eye, so he looked back.

“I-I was curious about how the fans saw us…” He quickly defended himself, glad for a strong hand of their leader on his shoulder.

“What Changkyun reads is none of our business, Kihyun. Why are you so worked up over this?” Shownu’s calm voice carried through the tense air and all the questioning eyes landed on the main vocalist once again.

“Doesn’t it feel weird to read about someone else’s fantasy about you?” Kihyun replied, not knowing what else to say and not look suspicious.

“It actually feels like being loved.” The maknae’s voice softened, focusing on his hyung again, trying to explain it to him while ignoring Jooheon’s eyes still being on him. He’ll just have to deal with that embarrassment later. “It’s not weird and I’m not the only one reading it anyway.”

“This is all your fault.” Kihyun turned to Minhyuk again.

“Grow up, Ki.” He scoffed in return, not really in the mood to bicker, especially with the way Kihyun’s words were unintentionally hurting him at the moment.

“I’m not talking about Minhyuk hyung.” Changkyun said next. He didn’t want to give away Hoseok’s secret, but the need to rationalize something as meaningless as fanfiction reading made him want to have more people by his side. Kihyun looked at him in shock, then up at Shownu, still standing by the maknae’s side and not looking surprised at all. The main vocalist’s gaze darkened.

“Who else?” He almost hesitated asking, a mixture of fear and silly betrayal running through his small frame as it gradually grew more tired of fighting. Hyungwon watched him worriedly, curious about it himself.

“Me.” Hoseok looked at him firmly. Well, there it goes, it was out, four pair of eyes staring at him in obvious mixture of feelings. Suddenly, it felt liberating. He was still glad he couldn’t meet Hyungwon’s gaze from behind him, but he could surely feel it.

“The pace of a turtle, huh?” Jooheon was the first one to break the silence and Hoseok chuckled suddenly.

“The very same.”

“Better than porn then?” The dimples appeared, Jooheon obviously found the subject rather amusing.

“Maybe you should ask Changkyun that.” Hoseok couldn’t help but tease, satisfied with himself as he watched the maknae’s cheeks turn into a nice light shade of pink. He chuckled again, doing his best to act as carefree as he could, pushing the thought of his best friend knowing he read fanfiction now to the back of his mind to make friends with Kihyun’s nagging voice.

The atmosphere shifted to gradually sink back into its usual state as Kihyun shook his head, not knowing how exactly to deal with this, glanced from Hoseok to Hyungwon quickly and left the room. Shownu sighed, watching the door their main vocalist closed behind himself and patted Changkyun’s shoulder lightly before looking at Hoseok as well. It was easier to breathe, but Minhyuk seemed to be the only one completely comfortable with the situation as he moved to take Changkyun’s phone and look at it.

“Ah, this one is really good.” He nodded in approval, looking from the phone to Jooheon, who was still by his side. “You should read it too Jooheonnie, you and Kyunnie can have little book club sessions along your rapping sessions now too.” He started blabbering as he went through Changkyun’s phone shamelessly, checking out what else the maknae was interested in.

“Hyung…” Changkyun basically whined, covering his face and sitting down next to Hoseok, trying to shield himself from further embarrassment and Jooheon’s gaze he could still feel on his skin. The other rapper was watching him still, slowly letting the idea of Changkyun reading fanfiction about the two of them sink into his mind, a small smile still lingering on his lips as he really couldn’t bring himself to mind it. The maknae was really so cute and Jooheon knew they will just have to talk about it later, away from the prying ears of their hyungs.

The leader took a seat on the other side of the maknae and looked at Minhyuk, glad that the storm was obviously over. Kihyun will calm down sooner than later and just accept it, that was a given.

“Are we going to watch that movie before the morning or what?” He casually addressed the sunshine of the group and Minhyuk went back to picking up titles, listing out his suggestions to the rappers and the leader.

Hoseok turned to look at Hyungwon, his painfully frozen existence behind his back too obvious to ignore much longer. He felt too many emotions all at once ever since he admitted his dirty little habit and he couldn’t grasp any of them well enough to either let it overwhelm him or to actually deal with it efficiently enough so that it could disappear. A sense of freedom he felt once the secret  was out mixed with a fear of so many things. What did Hyungwon think now? Would he be confused or find it weird or would he be hurt and disappointed that Hoseok kept it from him when they were supposed to be the closest people in their little group of friends.

The shorter vocalist didn’t want him to think he was shoving him away even though he had to admit that his actions probably looked like that lately. He was grateful that Hyungwon just let him be and provided support whenever Hoseok couldn’t find the strength to not ask for it. Pushing him away bit by bit was an inevitable course of action at this point as he was trying his best to protect himself from more pain and even the simple affection they showered each other with on daily basis from time to time became painful as much as it was soothing and much needed.

The taller guy’s eyes were still on him, the thoughts behind the warm gaze unreadable. Hoseok felt the ground he was sitting on shifted in the earthquake of his thoughts, the insecurity brought by not being able to understand what was going on in his best friend’s mind after such a long time of simple understanding crawling up his skin, opening the tiny wounds left by thorns of story he needed to know conclusion of. More questions without answers and the nagging voice that sounded awfully like Kihyun raised its volume before Hyungwon’s overpowered it.

“We should talk later.” He simply said and moved to get up. “I need to go to check on Kihyun first.”

Thrown back in the whirlwind of emotions, he wondered around a peculiar maze he couldn’t get out of as any course of actions he chose seemed to bring him back to the beginning of it, square one where he was left alone with this enormous pile of love flowers, each belonging to one and only Chae Hyungwon.

He was trying too hard. But there was no escape.


	8. Naked truth

 

_He was bare, completely exposed to everyone around him, yet he had no idea. His family stared at him sadly, pitifully as he showed the image of himself he never dreamed of showing. It wasn’t a dream, it was a nightmare. Shownu gave Kihyun a little push and their main vocalist slowly approached him, revealing a thick black blanket that looked like it could suffocate him. And it did, eating him up into the darkness of his soul, camouflaging everything that he was to be able to melt into the night, never to see the light of sun again. It was a nightmare indeed. The one he deserved._

 

“Thank you.” Kihyun looked at him tiredly, shaking his head at Hyungwon’s facial expression full of gratitude.

“I didn’t do anything… they must find me weird, but what’s new?”

“You did overreact, even if you were trying to control yourself. But, you’re right, we’re used to our weird little hamster hyung.” The tall vocalist smiled warmly, even if that smile never reached his eyes.

“I’m really worried about you, Won.” Kihyun sighed lightly, pushing himself further onto the bed, resting his back against the wall and looking at his feet dangling off the edge of the bed before looking up at his friend.

“I’ll be fine.” He hesitated. “Well, as fine as I can be. But that’s enough.” He was indeed ready to satisfy himself with so little. Somewhere deep down he believed he didn’t deserve more than that anyway, being so careless and blind. He was the only one responsible.

“You’re still writing?”

Hyungwon looked at him, Kihyun’s eyes full of heated emotions, worry, pain, understanding. He wasn’t judging him, but Kihyun’s role was to be concerned and nag to no end. He knew better than to do it now and they’ve had conversations similar to this too many times to count. Hyungwon knew everything Kihyun was thinking and even if they understood each other the main vocalist was constantly worrying. That was understandable too and the younger guy just leaned back in his seat, rubbing his eyes tiredly, knowing there was not much to say. He was just thankful his friend was there, providing love and support, no matter how painful this was for both of them. Hyungwon also knew it would’ve been the same had it been any other member of Monsta X, but he was still glad it was Kihyun. Little hamster of a main vocalist held a lot of strength in his small body and could lift the paper doll turtle in a way no one else could, stitching him back together with his small skilled fingers when he was falling apart. Which was pretty much constantly nowadays.

The model-like idol couldn’t really remember the time before he met Hoseok. It was just some sepia colored irrelevant past, filled with a lot of people, causal passerby briefly touching his life and disappearing, with an exception of a few people. He didn’t need more than that anyway. Monsta X family enriched his life in ways he could’ve never imagined possible, making him feel the amount of love he wasn’t even sure he deserved. They were home and the most important person in that household was Hoseok.

Their friendship rapidly developed and became the most natural relationship Hyungwon has ever formed in his life, aside from the family he was born into. The tall guy simply let go and fell into it, their status soon being labeled as “best friends” and just stayed there – for what he realized must have been an eternity. The realization came way too late, when the relationship was already established and too meaningful to touch. It seemed like they went past the point of being able to turn it into something more and they both seemed to be so satisfied with it.

The truth was that Hyungwon wasn’t. He was in love, feelings so intense and obvious he could never even dare try to offend them by denying. At the same time their relationship was something familiar, something he was used to, it was comfortable and it overweighed the need for shifting it into something more. The bare thought of risking jeopardizing their precious friendship was so scary that Hyungwon didn’t dare revisiting it. The pain was unbearable. He was also sure Hoseok was satisfied with being best friends, he seemed to be so happy simply because they were so close and loving, understanding each other perfectly. Except that the older guy obviously didn’t understand the secret need Hyungwon had.

He started writing because he felt the need to write down his fantasies. Putting them on paper somehow made them seem alive, breathing, that much closer, yet at the same time not exactly being only a part of him anymore either – like he let them out in the open without really letting them out for Hoseok to know. And it was fun to imagine different worlds in which his best friend and him could exist under completely different circumstances from the ones in reality.

His imagination could run wild, to the point when it made him feel like a little child, drawing images that had nothing to do with the real world, but were bright and happy on its own. Those images were so carefree, not feeling the need to be appreciated by anyone, to be dependent of anyone. They simply existed in an isolated universe built for themselves, where all the laws were made for them. They could live the way they wanted and Hyungwon was the only one to set the pace of their existence. Those universes he created made him feel free in a strange way and it felt good. In the long run he believed he’ll be able to let go of all of them easier when the time for it comes. And he knew the time will come.

What he didn’t know was that things worked slightly differently from what he had imagined. Fantasies might have been put into words and shared with the world, but they didn’t transfer, they didn’t leave his mind. In fact they became even more vivid, something he could imagine almost touching. Like the hold they had on him only tightened with him attempting to give them away, they were closer than before until they started scaring him. That’s when it dawned on him – he will never be able to escape them and therefore he will never be able to move on from desperately wanting his love for Hoseok to be reciprocated unless he lets go of them. Harshly, hurting himself as much as he can. He wasn’t a masochist, it was simply a procedure he had to put himself under in order to be able to overcome it.

The solution he came up with was cruel. One last story, raw and void of fantasy, put up there as a reminder of what it symbolizes, of the heartbreaking truth that was the only alive, breathing thing in this reality. Impossibly close to it, so much that Hoseok and Hyungwon made of pretty words could step out of the cyber space they were settled in and walk this Earth, mocking the writer openly, laughing in his face. Hyungwon knew they were already here even before he started building their forms from carefully molded sentences. He might have been superficial in that sense, but he couldn’t not paint himself beautifully – at least on the outside. Hoseok was art himself. But yes, they were both there, painfully twisting his heart with truth he just needed to accept once and for all to be able to continue living.

“Yes, I’m still writing.”

“And he’s reading.”

“No, you don’t know that. I’m not the only Hyungwonho writer out there and we’re not even sure if he reads Hyungwonho in the first place.” Hyungwon tried to hold onto what little hope he had left. He didn’t dare imagine Hoseok read stories that involved the two of them together in general, let alone anything that he’s been writing. Even if he read something with Hyungwonho tag on it it was probably because he was curious about how fans portrayed their dynamics, not because he was holding onto some kind of pointless fantasy like Hyungwon did.

“You don’t know that either.” Kihyun watched him intently. “Have you ever actually thought about him feeling the same?”

“He hasn’t done anything to show it.”

“Neither have you.”

“I’ve always been scared.”

“Maybe he’s been too.”

Hyungwon chuckled a bit. Now, if that were true then they’re just a pair of cowards and this whole situation has been worthy of using as a lame plot for a rather boring drama.

“Your relationship has always been too much of everything to be simply labeled as friendship.”

“We just like skinship.” Hyungwon shrugged. Not that they actually did that much skinship with other people, but still.

“You don’t do that kind of skinship with me, Won.” The comment was to be expected. Kihyun was predictable at this point.

“And that’s why you and me are not best friends… besides, you’d probably chop my arm off if I tried doing that much skinship with you.” He laughed again, Kihyun lightly scoffing in reply.

“You do other things too.” The short vocalist could be really childish when it came to trying to prove a point.

“Hey, we don’t fuck each other.” The taller one complained, still trying to portray their friendship as completely common.

“You might as well.” Knowing smirk graced Kihyun’s face, knowing Hyungwon probably had nothing left to say to that.

“You’re not helping here, Kihyun-ah.” Hyungwon rolled his eyes as the main vocalist actually laughed at that and shrugged.

“So, you’re writing and you’re determined to finish that story and he just might be one of your readers. Aren’t you curious?” The main vocalist tilted his head, sensing the answer already, but still wanting to hear it. He knew he would’ve been extremely curious if he were in the same situation.

“I am.” He admitted as it was completely pointless denying it. There was no reason to either. “I should definitely talk about it with him… I even told him we should talk. I don’t know if that scared him, he just looked confused and worried about my reaction. I don’t think he understood what me looking at him meant.” The model-like idol paused to think about it. “Isn’t it weird though? We’ve always been able to read each other easily, yet now we’re not so sure anymore. I just don’t want to assume anything, Kihyun-ah.”

“You’re afraid again.” Kihyun replied, frowning. “You’ve been afraid for such a long time, how can you live like that?”

“There’s a lot of things I could lose. Actually, we all could lose. Wouldn’t you be worried about Monsta X?” It was Hyungwon’s biggest fear and he knew his friend was well aware of that, yet he always acted like he didn’t care. That was impossible, their group meant the world to all of them and Hyungwon would’ve never been able to bear the weight of guilt if he were the one to destroy that world  they carefully built together.

“I’d be more worried about your sanity and well being.” The main vocalist replied honestly. “You being healthy and happy is more important.”

“Yet you can’t promise no one out of you guys would feel resentment if I screwed our team up.” Hyungwon smiled. “Don’t try to deny it, it’s perfectly normal and I would understand. I would’ve expected it. That’s why dealing with it this way should be for the best.”

Kihyun watched him, staying silent and wondering if this really was for the best. He knew there was more than enough of questioning it, he went through all the possible scenarios with Hyungwon before, yet the younger guy always seemed to run around in circles, Kihyun helplessly trailing behind, making sure to retrace his steps and check if they have missed something.

Doing it for so long has truly been exhausting and the main vocalist found himself on the verge of stomping his foot and running off to find Hoseok and throw the reality in his face, but Hyungwon’s hurt expression would’ve stopped him every single time. He knew he couldn’t do it, it wasn’t his place to do it, the only person who needed to deal with it was the coward turtle in front of him. So, standing by his side, carefully watching over him and extending a helping hand when he needed to had to be enough. Until everything ended. It surely will, right? As if Hyungwon could read his thoughts he spoke up.

“Once the story is over my feelings will be too.” Or so he hoped.


	9. Maze

 

_Breathing each other, existing so impossibly close together has long ago became a part of their daily lives and the emotions shaking his whole existence were so conflicting they threatened to eat him whole by the end of their little story. He met his best friend’s gaze, like many times before, yet the familiar feeling of being able to understand each other with a glance was missing. He would’ve thought it would hurt in a “we’re growing apart” kind of way, but the uncomfortable feeling growing in the pit of his stomach wasn’t signalizing distance. It didn’t go beyond a simple lack of understanding, announcing the storm that was to come._

 

The background noise of movie playing out on the tv mixed with his friends’ voices was drowned by his own thoughts. Hoseok was sitting in the middle of it all, not moving from his spot ever since Hyungwon has left to go and find Kihyun, yet he felt so far away from his surroundings. He didn’t know what he was doing here. Perhaps simply keeping appearance that everything was normal, that he was simply watching the movie with his group members, too tired to participate in commenting on it or pay more attention to the people around him. He was really just waiting. For Hyungwon to come back and for them to go to their room, so the questioning could begin. Not that he knew what to expect exactly, but he believed that something along the lines of Hyungwon being simultaneously disappointed in him and curious about fanfiction was a safe guess.

He already knew what he’ll tell his best friend, what kind of explanation he would offer. It was rather simple. Fanfiction was a meaningless fun, something he liked to read just like he enjoyed a good book, but he was still slightly ashamed to admit it. And there really was no reason to anyway, since it wasn’t a big deal. Yes, that’s everything that he was supposed to say to Hyungwon. That should be enough.

Still, he had the feeling Hyungwon won’t let it go just like that. Maybe it was just Hoseok’s mind screaming that it kind of was a big deal in his case and that he won’t be able to hide it that easily, especially not from his best friend. Now, that was something to actually worry about, something to make him feel nervous and being nervous meant not being able to hide it even more. He was panicking already, which meant the maze of circles was back, not letting him breathe and act rationally. This was bad.

Biting his lip and trying not to fidget in his seat he stared at the screen in front of him, doing his best to focus on the movie he had no idea what was about. It was supposed to be his distraction, since he doubted focusing on any of his members now would be helpful. He did glance in their direction at some point, not failing to notice that Changkyun seemed to be doing the exact same thing like him, his eyes glued to the screen, but empty, as if he couldn’t understand the story unraveling in front of him any better. Hoseok’s gaze shifted to Jooheon, only to find the rapper casually looking over at their maknae instead and the vocalist was pretty sure their youngest could feel that gaze, yet stubbornly refused to return it.

The slight tension was there, but something about it told Hoseok it was really nothing to worry much about. So unlike his upcoming conversation with his best friend. Trying not to think about it was tiring enough and he found himself actually wanting Hyungwon to finally appear so he could get this over with and hopefully reach some sort of peace by the end of the night. It was supposed to be a fun, relaxing night, something close to cheerful nights of the past, the ones that now seemed to be a regular occurrence so long ago. It saddened him how he couldn’t remember the last time he felt simply good. Enjoying his members’ company when they didn’t have much work that needed to be immediately done, a day of relaxation, doing something fun together, laughing and feeling carefree. He missed it so much, the feeling similar to the feeling of helplessness he felt that night not so long ago when he crumbled in Hyungwon’s arms and cried his heart out. He needed some kind of release, but suddenly bursting into tears didn’t seem like a good idea. Besides, he was tired of crying. He could survive one night without tears.

“Guys, I think I’m going to bed.” He started, getting up slowly. “Hyungwon wanted to talk to me… I’ll be awake.” He added, looking at Shownu who got the message and nodded, then proceeded to watch him leave the room.

He just needed to escape. Not that he was running away from his members, there was no need to, he just felt like waiting for Hyungwon’s judgment on his own, listening to the silence only disturbed by light noise of the tv from the other room. It was soothing in a way, especially combined with the softness of the bed under his weight. Bed that smelled of him and Hyungwon, the scent he connected to home. It made him feel safe, much calmer than before and succeeded in pushing the worries away. He often wondered how it was possible for him to drive himself mad with everything he did, with those stories of Hyungwonho especially and then come home to Hyungwon’s arms – the guy he was hopelessly in love with when the thoughts of them not being able to actually be together haunted his mind. Being with Hyungwon brought that love and safety he craved, magically erasing the pain even if the said person was the cause of it. Only that he wasn’t, Hoseok was the one hurting himself. None of it was Hyungwon’s fault. And there he was, falling into the maze of thoughts once again, completely helpless.

It was simply the difference between reality and fiction. If fiction made him wish for something that wasn’t there, for something that ended up hurting him deeply, the reality was Hyungwon waiting for him in their room, smiling sleepily before opening his arms to give him warmth and love he actually needed – he actually had. And the maze was the line blurring, little slow turtle getting lost finally and bunny not being able to find him. Flowers were wilting, making the bunny sad, desperate as the time was running out. He was helpless, not being able to find his smiling turtle no matter how much he kept searching. There was no way out and they were both just trembling with fear, alone, never to be found.

Hyungwon walked in, offering a small smile as he closed the door behind him. Hoseok moved to sit up, smiling a bit back, reminding himself that he was supposed to at least try to have a light conversation about meaningless fanfiction. Something they can laugh about. Or rather should.

“So, fill me in.” The younger guy chuckled, taking a seat next to him and turning to him, ready to listen.

“There’s really nothing much to say…” Hoseok shrugged. “I was just really curious about it for quite a bit of time. I hesitated for obvious reasons, but then I just decided to try it out. And it was fun. I mean, some of those works are really well written, I wouldn’t be surprised if some of them were published.”

“So there’s some good literature there, cool.” Hyungwon nodded, sounding slightly colder than usual, the light change of his voice not even noticeable to anyone but Hoseok. “And why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t think it would be important for me to tell you… I mean, it’s just some meaningless fun.” He chuckled.

“Changkyun knew. Shownu wasn’t surprised either.” The change of the taller one’s voice was more evident now. Leave it to him to be so observant. Hoseok felt slightly trapped, getting nervous again. How could he make him feel like a naughty child waiting for punishment? He did get himself in this mess, suddenly wondering why he didn’t tell him himself when he only started with those Showki and Changki stories. That was truly meaningless, he didn’t read Hyungwonho at all in the beginning. But now it was completely pointless retracing steps and trying to figure out what stopped him back then. Maybe he simply knew of the possibility of that road leading to Hyungwonho at some point and those were just measures of precaution he subconsciously took.

“Changkyun saw it when I wasn’t looking. And I tell Shownu everything. Well, Changkyun kind of told him first…” As soon as he had said it he knew he made a mistake.

“You tell Shownu everything. I see.” Hyungwon didn’t even try to hide that it hurt.

“I didn’t mean it that way, you’re still my best friend.”

“Who you don’t tell about reading fanfiction.”

“I was embarrassed, alright?” He didn’t mean to raise his voice, but the frustration was back and he felt like he was just making excuses. Which he was.

“I thought I told you there was no reason to be embarrassed in front of me. No matter what you were embarrassed about. If fanfiction is just some casual, meaningless fun as you put it why would you be embarrassed?” Hoseok hated the fact that Hyungwon was right, connecting everything so effortlessly and having a memory of an elephant even if he was a turtle.

“Minhyuk was the only one reading it and we all basically ignored it, thinking of it as just one of his quirks. Because he’s Minhyuk.”

“There is nothing wrong with Minhyuk.” Hyungwon chuckled suddenly.

“Of course there’s nothing wrong with Minhyuk, but that’s just something he would’ve done and that was normal. I didn’t feel exactly comfortable with what kind of stories I will find myself and I didn’t exactly feel the need to explain myself. Plus it’s not something I could casually bring up in a conversation. Hey, Won-ah, I’m reading fanfiction.” He rambled at this point, hoping Hyungwon will just move on.

“I wouldn’t call it explaining yourself… I would’ve just been curious about it, I thought you’d assume that much. But fine… now will you tell me more about it? I want to understand.” His best friend watched him, obviously wanting to know more and Hoseok paused briefly. Yes, he could do that.

“Well, as I said, there are some really good stories, very beautifully written. I don’t know, they’re just like regular fiction, I guess. Only with the people we know as main characters.” He allowed himself to chuckle, trying to lighten the atmosphere again.

“Isn't it weird to read about our members?” The younger one asked, seemingly genuinely interested.

“It would be weirder to read about us...” Well, speaking without thinking it through has become a habit. “There's you and me Won-ah...”

“Hyungwonho, yes, I assumed. We've always been shipped together.” Of course it was like Hyungwon to be so casual about it.

“Well, yeah, it would be weird.” He repeated, trying to sound honest.

“So you don’t read Hyungwonho.” Hyungwon deadpanned, sounding completely void of emotion, as if simply trying to confirm a fact.

“No, I don’t.” Hoseok confirmed once again, feeling his heart twist at such a blatant lie, not believing he managed to utter it.

“Why would it be so weird? We're already much closer than what would be considered normal?” Hyungwon persisted, suddenly sounding hurt. “We just don't have sex... Are you disgusted by that thought?” The last sentence sounded so bitter, so accusing, leaving Hoseok completely baffled. And again, he just spoke without a second thought.

“Do you want to have sex?”


	10. Music of the universe

 

_Being lost in the realm between dream and reality was just that. Being lost. There was no fear and there was no confusion, the laws of the realm didn’t allow questions. He was freely floating, senses on alert, taking in every single sensation coming his way and wordlessly appreciating it. It was overwhelming to the point that breathtaking didn’t do it justice. The air wasn’t needed to survive. Only him._

 

Dark round eyes were staring at him as the moment stretched impossibly long in Hoseok’s mind, along with the echo of the question he mindlessly dared to ask. The gaze was, once again, something he couldn’t read, something new, therefore exciting. And then he caught a spark of fire, the one that seemed to have its own gravitational field and Hoseok was pulled in forcefully, all the way, until their bodies were pressed together and he could feel the lips of his years old fantasies on his own. Hyungwon pushed back, pulling him even closer at the same time and kissed him back. Beautiful lips felt so soft and wonderful – unreal, and Hoseok felt himself slipping.

He let go, stepped into the fantasy, the bubble around the two of them forming much faster than the ones he had been reading about.  Only this wasn’t fantasy, not even close to fiction, this was Hyungwon in flesh, feeling so real because he was actually real, filling all his senses at once. Hoseok was so overwhelmed that for a brief second it scared him. He shut off the thoughts, only focusing on his best friend, his love – he was everywhere around him, intoxicating smell, the burning heat, delicious taste. It was just a kiss, but Hoseok has always known nothing he ever did with Hyungwon could be labeled as “just doing”.

In the back of his mind he wanted more, yet he couldn’t let go of those lips for even a brief moment. Not yet, just a moment longer. A neverending moment longer. He needed to feel so much more though and feeling Hyungwon’s beautiful long fingers against his own neck and tangled into his hair wasn’t helping one bit. There was no way for his mind to comprehend irrelevant things like losing their clothes. Only the feel of smooth skin he wanted to worship so badly, his best friend’s weight pressing down on him, soft hands slowly sliding down his bare chest, taking their time, fingertips trying to memorize the sensation – those were the things he was carving into his mind, one sensation after another, like separate images making one dream-like sequence. Something so precious, rare, something that happens once in a lifetime – if you are lucky enough.

A breathy sound left Hyungwon’s swollen lips as soon as they detached from Hoseok’s, far too quickly in their opinion and the older guy pushed him down, hovering over him for barely a second before doing the next thing of his dreams. He wanted to cover every inch of his body with flowers he deserved, touch and memorize every curve of his form, let his addicting scent swallow him whole. He went crazy over Hyungwon a long time ago, but what was happening right now went beyond his wildest imagination and he just had to feel it all.

The younger guy looked up at his best friend, his foggy mind struggling to understand how they got into this position. It didn’t matter, Hoseok simply needed him – he could see that much in his eyes that just wouldn’t leave him now that he broke the kiss. They were existing in a world of their own, a world where they desperately needed each other and that was everything Hyungwon needed to know. The only worry going through his mind was that he won’t be able to grasp it all, to hold onto it. It will slip through his slim fingers and disappear somewhere in the middle of reality and fantasy. He needed to remember every little detail, every little touch – those lips going down his neck right now, the feeling they left behind – it’s still lingering, make it linger longer. That small bite right above his collarbone, he knew it won’t bruise, but that’s alright, the feeling is there. He earnestly hoped it will be there tomorrow too. Thinking about tomorrow was forbidden though, only now existed – to be lived to the fullest and cherished forever.

It truly seemed like Hoseok was trying to feel every little part of his body one way or another and it was making Hyungwon a speechless, incoherently moaning mess. Hoseok was loving him in a way he never even dared imagine, let alone write down in his little intense fantasies and that alone was so far from reality and at the same time the raw truth. They kept looking at each other as the older guy moved lower, drawing an amazingly detailed map across Hyungwon’s skin with his lips and Hyungwon reached down to grip his hair, pulling him up into another kiss. It was a fever, an addiction and insatiable need making him act on instinct when he guided Hoseok’s hands to touch him more before he did the same, feeling more, making his love feel as good as it felt for Hyungwon.

They were both so aroused already. Hyungwon lost track of time, but a world of their own couldn’t grasp the concept of time or space. Time expended and stopped, hearts pulsing setting the rhythm of the universe and soft touches, hard grips, skin rubbing together instruments in their music. Vocals mingled together, growing in volume and passion along with the intensity of the instruments. It progressed fast, tempo almost not allowing the tall guy to catch it all as he got greedier, burning gaze and firm touch pushing the love of his life further down the dream.

One finger was enough to let him grin back down at reality as if saying “See that? It’s happening”. He needed a constant check on reality, the pain he was feeling with second and then third finger only making him feel that much more real as pain was something he knew. He clenched against the fingers and slid his tight fist up and down Hoseok’s erection, watching his face, wanting to remember that exact expression – or rather all of them. The need he felt was making him impatient, so he pushed the older guy closer once again, guiding him to his own entrance until Hoseok pushed in and the pain brought out the feeling of connection, of two souls made for each other meeting on another level. Hyungwon closed his eyes, a beautiful groan pushing past his lips as he wrapped his body around Hoseok and a single tear escaped his eyelids, the silent, invisible witness of universe expanding.

Hoseok was drowning in him, but in this universe he was safe, because it was his purpose. To worship the most beautiful, breathtaking Hyungwon, the source of his life. Just like Hyungwon’s was to give him absolutely everything. He simply inhaled everything Hyungwon had to offer, admiring the beauty of it all as he suddenly took his hand, tangling their fingers together in an innocent, much more familiar, real way than everything else that was happening at that moment. Holding Hyungwon’s hand was what he needed perhaps more than anything else, the sign of them being together, always, no matter what kind of storm they needed to go through. They will pass it together as long as they hold onto each other tightly, like this, fingers tangled safely, hard to disconnect. His love opened his eyes again, showing the special shine in them, the one that Hoseok especially loved and he finally moved, pulling out and diving right back into him.

Slow rhythm gradually picked up as the instruments and vocals followed, the melody sensually singing Hoseok’s emotions without painful undertones for the first time in a long while, thanks to Hyungwon’s generous input. In this universe pace of a small turtle was as painfully slow as in reality, but no one ever questioned it. It was a well-known fact turtle was watching over bunny, slowly tracing his steps and removing thorns left after picking up roses. They needed each other, depended on each other as the universe was their own little world, full of wonderful flowers they had yet to recognize.

Hoseok’s forehead met Hyungwon’s as his thrusts became erratic, flowers in his head mingling with the image of the younger guy under him, the sounds escaping his lips making him more drunk on his voice than ever before. He wrapped his fingers around the taller guy’s arousal, matching the rhythm he settled with the strokes and groaned against Hyungwon’s lips. He was so close, driving them both beyond the point of oblivion, wanting to drag it out and then stay there, comfortably, in Hyungwon’s arms, never to return.

He couldn’t do anything but hold onto his older best friend. He gripped the hand he was still holding, clenching around his erection that was relentlessly hitting his prostate with every sharp push of his hips and making him produce the raw sounds of desire. Hyungwon couldn’t recall sounding like that ever before – or maybe it was just the acoustic of this universe, sounds much more vivid, filled with pure emotions. Grateful for the pain that made Hoseok’s skin against his that much real, Hyungwon was now on the cloud of pleasure, holding for dear life as the love of his life took them higher, showing him images beyond the younger one’s imagination.

They were going impossibly fast and all he could do was arch his body into Hoseok’s, greedily wanting to feel even more as orgasm was right there, knocking on their door already. And it hit them, one after the other, pleasure so intense they were just left with a blur of mesmerizing images, senses burning from overload of feelings manifested in never leaving touches and the scent of them both.

The shorter vocalist moved for long enough to pull out of his taller friend, before he partly laid down on him again, resting his head in the crook of his neck. Their breathing slowed down, and Hyungwon closed his eyes to simply focus on the way Hoseok breathed in sync with him, their hands still tightly holding onto each other. He felt a flower pressing against his neck, a long, loving one, catching the scent that engulfed them and intensifying it.

“I’m sorry.”


	11. Lost and wilted

 

_The fall to the Earth was as painful as it was expected. He signed up for it willingly a long time ago, keeping bracing himself for it throughout the ride he carelessly took as he was always sure of its inevitability. When the crash happened his brain took care of the excessive pain, leaving only numbness behind._

 

“What for?” Hyungwon was surprised by the calmness of his own voice. It felt like it belonged to someone else, asking a simple question as if he didn’t really need to hear an answer. He wanted to know, but another question lingered in the air – did it really matter?

“We shouldn't have done this.” Well, that hurt.

“I don't regret it.” He wasn’t going to hide, not that. He would’ve done it again, in a blink of an eye.

“I... don't either.” His best friend finally looked up at him, honesty clear in his eyes, making Hyungwon almost sigh in relief.

“Then?”

”Tell me we're alright.” Hoseok was scared.

“Of course we are, Hoseok. We're Hyungwonho.” They couldn’t lose each other. How could they? That was one thing Hyungwon couldn’t let happen, no matter what. It would mean the end. The finality he couldn’t have. Death without leaving the traces of faint memories behind. They wouldn’t live on because not even empty shells couldn’t not crack under the weight of such a pain.

That kind of death was Hyungwon’s worst fear, something he didn’t dare even think about. So him and Hoseok just had to be alright. It was a necessity much bigger than the need to sing or dance, breathe or eat. There was no doubt he’ll do anything for their relationship to stay the same, so he squeezed Hoseok’s hand and smiled at him, making sure the older guy understood the unspoken words. As long as they were together everything will be alright.

“Don’t go… I love the smell of you on my bed.” For some reason Hoseok still felt the need to tell him that and Hyungwon’s smile only got bigger as he watched him close his eyes and take another deep breath.

They were both greedy, but somehow Hyungwon knew they will be just like that. It was difficult for him to imagine the two of them away from each other and he was sure he knew Hoseok well enough to assume it was the same for him. They slipped right back into their routine, acting like nothing happened, like everything was absolutely fine and the way it was supposed to be. Sometimes it felt like they were closer than ever – physically at least, clinging onto each other desperately, as if afraid the other could disappear any given moment. The way they both acted was supposed to reassure them that won’t happen, but rational thinking was so unreliable these days.

Even though everything was just fine on the outside, the whole situation was putting him on edge. Battles with his inner demons were tiring him out and the fact that the rest of the world seemed to function just well while he simply didn’t know what to do with himself didn’t help one bit. He observed his members, the way Monsta X family seemed to live in this continuous loop of more or less same activities – cycles of work and rest, simply living and being one small group of people doing their thing in the cruel industry they were a part of. Their relationship was well established, something comfortable and warm, yet they did go through subtle changes here and there, slowly.

Watching Jooheon and Changkyun turning more towards each other with Changkyun’s secret being out was heartwarming, but at the same time made Hyungwon wonder how it could be so simple to the two of them. Sweet and fun, easy. Why couldn’t it be that easy for Hoseok and him? Was it because their friendship has been so special from the beginning, closeness on another level, reflected in the way they were clinging onto each other now, fear of being left alone too unbearable? Hyungwon hated being so terrified. It was making him so vulnerable, the disadvantage harshly pulling him down into the pit of despair.

Fear was nasty and it was visiting him more and more often, no matter how hard Hyungwon tried to rationalize it, knowing it was uncalled for. Whenever it would strike him he would clutch onto that night, slipping into the space in between reality and fantasy, walking the line slowly and only hoping it won’t eventually lead him to his death. The truth was that it was magical. It was everything Hyungwon had and he was grateful for the memory. That's all it was now – memory and his safety rope, pulling him away from his greatest fear.

The model-like vocalist desperately needed some sort of closure when it came to his feelings. He believed he just needed to finish that story of his, it being that drastic measure of ruining the fantasy – uncovering that everything he was dreaming of, writing about was simply fairy tale he dangerously started to believe in along the way. He couldn’t afford living it any longer, the torture of exposing himself to it dragged on for too long already with him getting distracted by a brief visit to the realm he created and loved so much. The brief thought of actual existence of said realm that shamelessly formed in the back of his mind while he was in that space in between was just a reminder of how dangerous prolonging the whole ordeal was.

Going back to writing happened in a desperate rush of a mad man. It was as if Hyungwon was hypnotized, focused exclusively on the task at hand. There was no stopping, he just needed to write until he finishes and collapses, hopefully drained of all the sensations and painful emotions. He needed to forget them, leave them behind and living such an enormous amount of pain should have such an effect on him. He couldn’t dwell on it for a long time, there was no way for him to know if it will be effective in the end. But he was trying because there was really nothing else he could do.

After that night Hoseok did everything possible for him and Hyungwon not to grow apart. Mirroring Hyungwon’s feelings without knowing, he made sure to hurry to the dorm into the taller one’s arms every night right after finishing work. The reality of having his best friend by his side was something he was holding onto so intensely, appreciating it more than ever before, the preciousness of it clear in his mind. The warm gaze and feel of solid body against his own were reassuring comfort, the steady thing he couldn’t imagine his life without.

The new routine the shorter vocalist adopted helped him push his reading habit, postponing it for some other time. He still felt the strong need to continue reading that harshly realistic piece of art Hickey Slips was writing, to read it until the end, as if he needed the confirmation of the futileness of the hope he was still keeping warm in his heart. It’s not the end until it’s the end.

Eventually, he couldn’t hold back any longer. And once he resumed reading there was no stopping until the end – the roller coaster going frantic, along with Hoseok’s emotions, bruising him up all the way. Fluffy white fur disheveled, covered in mixture of dirt and blood, making the skin underneath it sticky and aching, pulsing in rhythm of his equally bleeding heart. He couldn’t even clean it, not until the wounds somehow healed, everything too raw, too sensitive to touch just yet. Deep down a seed of worry formed as little bunny had a nagging feeling that this time healing might just be impossible. Scars were there to stay.

He stared at the wilted remains of the flowers in his little paws, crying soundlessly over his smiling turtle being lost, over himself failing delivering the beauty to his best friend who appreciated it the most, who was so happy whenever he received them. How could he let himself lose his way back, the one thing he always just knew how to do? That was a given and now the bunny learned that there was no such thing as “a given”. It was a terrible place he was stuck in, the feeling of being lost consuming his whole being as his thoughts and heart aimlessly searched for his best friend somewhere out there, far away. His tears soaked the pitiful shadow of what used to be beautiful flowers as he only hoped little turtle was alright, wherever he was. After all, his little precious friend didn’t need his flowers – he knew that now. It was finally confirmed. He liked them, enjoyed their scent and vivid colors, but he didn’t need them. He could live just fine without them. Something bunny couldn’t say for himself.

Hoseok knew he had to snap out of it. Wallowing in self-pity was uncalled for when he brought it upon himself in the first place. It was no one’s fault but his own. Living the fantasies, enjoying them a bit too much, forgetting his place and allowing himself to pointlessly hope. What did he expect? That Hickey would continue giving him all that love he made himself need too much? Until when? Well, the end was here and the author went as far as declaring this was their last story. They were leaving the world of Hyungwonho in such a painful way and it was Hoseok’s cue to leave too.

He didn’t need Shownu or Changkyun to tell him it was to be expected or that he needed to find a way to overcome it, rewind his life, find the point when it all started going wrong and resume living from there. It was an impossible task, yet the moment the leader and the maknae circled him to talk he knew that’s what he was in for. A month has passed already, after all, and even the hectic schedule of their comeback did nothing to distract Hoseok, to make him feel or look better. He kept making excuses that went along the line of exhaustion and lack of sleep, but even if he did his best in trying to lie to himself he couldn’t fool his friends.

“We know you know what we are going to say.” Shownu simply stated.

“So we won’t say it.” Changkyun smiled sadly. “But it’s done, right? Hickey Slips finished the story?”

“Yeah, it’s finished.” The heartbroken guy quietly replied. “I know it all… I know I’m a mess and that it’s all my fault, that I was stubborn and needed to go through it like some crazy pain-loving person. I got my conclusion and it’s nasty, but it’s real. It was to be expected.”

“Hyung... will you find your way out?” The worried expression of both of their faces made him want to lie until he believed in that lie himself.

“I have no other choice, Kyun-ah.”

Hyungwon looked up from his phone as Kihyun closed the door behind himself and then returned his tired gaze.

“Hoseok read your last work.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick announcement...
> 
> My life is a bit of a mess right now, my grandpa died a couple of days ago and I'm basically the only person in the family he had left (at least here), so I'm in charge of organizing everything concerning the funeral and all... and one of my aunts are coming to visit because of it, so I will be kind of busy with her too... long story short I'm probably gonna take a short break. I'll try not to, but there's a high possibility I will - it really won't take long, maybe a week or so? I'm not sure, but I just feel the need to say it considering how I've been updating every second day and I don't want to just disappear without explaining.
> 
> If I don't manage to update before I will see you all in a week / 10 days!  
> Thanks so much for reading and enjoying this so far!!!


	12. Domino Effect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I'm terribly sorry for ending up being a liar, I know I said I will continue writing in around 10 days, but life continued happening and I didn't have enough time to calm down and sit down to get into the mood for writing. Great news is that I'm coming to Monsta X concert in Madrid in June, so at least something related to Monsta X (beside comeback) made me excited and busy! Anyway, I'll stop talking and let you read the new chapter. Unfortunately I won't be able to update the rest as fast as I used to, but I'll really try my best to bring this story to the end as fast as I can. Hopefully it won't take long from now on! Thanks so much for reading and enjoying it, I really hope I won't disappoint until the end! Please leave your comments, I'm really curious what you think about the story!

The clock ticking was eating Hyungwon’s sanity away, making him want to make the time stop. The place in between the reality and fantasy was simultaneously dangerous and a safe haven, concepts of time and space practically nonexistent, therefore alluring, infinitely asking for him, trying to trap him. Hyungwon knew – if he wanted to survive he simply needed to escape. He was writing urgently because his life depended on it. The end was near and he chased it, paying no attention to the burning ache nor his breathlessness. The tall vocalist firmly believed that once he’s finished experiencing it all the tremendous pain of final conclusion will be replaced by numbness. Maybe it will be similar to the floating around the reality – firmly closing the last door to his fantasies, yes, but still shielding himself from the harsh ground with the lack of emotions.

The burning did lead to numbness, but the brief moment of blissful unawareness slipped out of his fingers so fast that Hyungwon wasn’t even sure to which world it belonged. The bubble burst, disappearing into thin air with such heartbreaking ease, making the whole precious universe of Hyungwonho seem so meaningless. The carefully crafted web of emotions and dreams was so delicate and fragile that it simply fell apart, left to motionlessly stay in the vacuum in between reality and fantasy. A world Hyungwon couldn’t set foot in anymore. He was left to mourn its absence, painfully grasping the idea of it never even being there as he was the only one who knew how real it was.

Staring at the final words of his last story, he forced himself to go back to the beginning of it, the moment of decision that seemed to be so long time ago. Concept of time wasn’t standing so strongly in reality either, bending according to the set of emotions encountering him along the way. The idea of it being unstable outside of the world in between wasn’t bringing Hyungwon any relief as it only made him believe in a lie. The illusion of distorted mirror, much like one he used to create the world that perhaps shouldn’t have been created. However, in any of those worlds, existing or not, the only thing that had no place was regret.

Regret was foreign, something mythical almost. Something nasty and something archaic and forgotten as Hyungwon felt it such a long time ago, in the old era in which time fell under a slightly more stable category. The wrong timing, opportunity missed simply because it was so fluid and transparent that he couldn’t even blame himself for being blind to it. It was nobody’s fault, the frantic course of events paired with the cluster of emotions paving the path of story of real Hyungwonho without long enough break for either of its protagonists to do anything but follow. Yet the regret remained.  Maybe Hyungwon was finally losing it, letting all those thoughts consume his mind, desperately trying to weigh the consequences of that one faithful decision or maybe even a set of decisions pulling at each other. Domino effect he started in the fraction of moment his last regret appeared. It was a replacement, a way of coping, a futile attempt of burying that ancient feeling that was eating him up.

The pace of the turtle and bunny was following a certain set of rules that gave them both a strong sense of familiarity and stability. It became an integral part of their beings and something both of them were willing to fight for until their last breath. The never ending rhythm pulsating around their little world that was a strong lifeline and they had no other choice but to hold onto it desperately, too afraid to let go and get lost. So Hyungwon followed that pace, mindlessly throwing another opportunity of taking a break and actually think about his actions, instead diving head first into the world of fantasy, thinking it will be his salvation, smooth transition into the calmer waters, foolishly believing that his final destination will provide him the luxury of loosening the impossibly desperate grip he had on it. Now, at the abrupt end of that road he finally realized that the only thing he created was a maze for himself to get lost in. And now he was wandering, the only direction left to look at for escape being up, at the motionless sky.

The sky was clear after the storm, clouds making way for the endless blue color, too empty, meaningless, plain for Hyungwon’s comfort. Dead. It was only evoking the feeling of dread, the clarity bringing discomfort of deeper loneliness simply because it made him feel even more lost. Everything was the same – all around him and above him, just meaningless pattern of same shapes or complete lack of them. Blankness. He just stood still, struggling to accept the bitter truth of life without Hoseok. Life without living.

The last domino was left to fall. Finally, it touched the ground in the deafening earthquake, shaking the reality he still had hard time dealing with. He put his all into drugging his emotions into the state of numbness, yet they stirred effortlessly before the first tremor sank in. Hoseok reading his work could mean nothing and everything at the same time and Hyungwon wasn’t sure if further contemplation – or better yet – analysis was a proper way to deal with this new information. However, it seemed to be a part of his essence, something stronger than himself. Maze he was in denied him exit once again, disabling his rational thinking further by creating an entire web of mazes in his mind, a mess of events, emotions and worlds tangling into an incomprehensive picture, everything blurred.

Overthinking stopped being Hyungwon’s friend a long time ago, way before the ancient era of regrets. The model-like singer knew it was out of rebellion, or rather revenge his mind was acting out on. Simply because the pace of the turtle and bunny didn’t allow it, Hyungwon pushed it to the dark corner of his brain, convincing himself his life will be a better place if he just didn’t unnecessarily complicate things in his head. He was right, even if he crossed the fine line between overthinking and simply thinking, mindlessly following the path to the comfort zone, much like a little turtle snuggling into its little cozy house.

Every morning little turtle would peek out of his home to smell fresh flowers carefully picked by his bunny, the source of his happiness. It was simple, beautiful life he loved and felt good in even if he secretly wanted for bunny to stay some day, to stop going on his little adventures and replace the flowers with his own smile. Despite that secret desire, turtle’s cycle of life went on like that – tucked in securely in his house, sleeping, smelling flowers and admiring their beauty and finally looking up at the smiling sun, whispering messages of love to his bunny that wasn’t there, letting the soft wind simply carry them away as if they never existed in the first place. Until the death of his last flowers signalized the fact that bunny was gone for good, unable to find his way back to the turtle – because the turtle was the lost one.

There was nothing to keep him in place anymore, the desperation to just find his bunny making him unable to stand still, yet there was nowhere to go. He looked down at the line he stood on, his eyes burning at the sight of it looking practically nonexistent now, melting into the ground to leave him lost forever. But the shift in the reality had to leave some sort of clue for the exit. So the turtle looked up at the previously clear sky, a barely visible string hanging above him, waiting for him to reach out. He had no idea where it would lead him, but it was his only way out as there was nothing left for him in the maze, on the disappearing line he blindly followed out of fear laced with familiarity. Tight grip on another kind of line comforted him and the turtle’s lips stretched into a big smile for the first time in a while, filled with hope that there will be a delicate, beautiful flower waiting for him on the other side. Hope that the flower won’t be the only thing waiting for him.

 

_Multiple chances weren’t irregular occurrences in people’s lives, but human perceptions were made to be clouded by a wide variety of factors difficult to easily grasp. Stepping back to make place for objectivity was often hard, because it meant emotions on break when emotions were the ones responsible for people needing those chances in the first place. Call them loops, call them mazes – the end of the story meant finding the escape route. The one line that will guide you to the moment of happiness. In reality the journey never ends._


	13. Slipping onto the line

Closing the door of his studio, Hoseok looked down at the piece of paper in his hand, a strange sense of familiarity he couldn’t really comprehend washing over him, much like the couple of times earlier that week. The excitement brought out by a small piece of paper filled with a couple of sentences – typed out, as if the author tried to hide their identity – should’ve been surprising to him or perhaps make him worry and cause him to take precautions instead of making him feel so eager. Old habits die hard after all and the wounded bunny perked up at the sight of a new adventure without paying attention to the unhealed scars. The gentle vocalist couldn’t understand his own will to just let go and not care about his own well-being. Deep down the small nagging voice of Kihyun annoyingly rambled the familiar list of reasons, but even it was getting tired, the tone seemingly giving up the pointless argument with the stubborn bunny.

Since the beginning of the week and the start of appearance of the mysterious notes, Hoseok began feeling a little better. The dull ache he carried in his chest was something he was slowly getting used to during the last month, so he was feeling a bit more like himself. He noticed his behavior seemed to calm down both Shownu and Changkyun and was relieved to be freed of a good portion of, to him, obvious stares he had been receiving for much longer than he would’ve wished for. Clinging to his best friend continued however, as it was a part of mutual agreement and it really looked like they both desperately needed reassurance of each other’s presence. Hoseok didn’t find the strength in himself to dare think about their behavior with each other and just accepted it as it was, firmly believing there was nothing in between the lines for him to read.

And then the first note came, waiting for him in the pocket of his backpack, almost slipping out when he opened it to retrieve his wallet and pay for his Monday afternoon coffee. The note about maze of opportunities stared at him while he was waiting for his drink, a couple of beautifully written sentences bringing out a pleasant wave of comfort to him. It had a strange calming effect as Hoseok gave up running out of the café as usual, his coffee-to-go finding home on one of the tables in the garden while he did exactly what the words on the note suggested – stepped back and took a seat to have a relaxing half an hour, void of thoughts about work, complicated relationships and things he should worry about. After what seemed like an eternity, he looked up at the sky, greeting fluffy clouds playing on the beautiful blue background with a smile.

When Tuesday brought the second note Hoseok started wondering if it will become a regular thing. Calming effect the first note carried transformed into light excitement, too early to bloom into anticipation, as if afraid of the small Kihyun-like voice in his head. Of course, the identity of the person sticking the two notes to his belongings was also intriguing, three small hand-written letters gracing the corner of both notes like a stamp, a signature, but he was slightly afraid to even start the guessing game in his head, not really liking the options his mind would most probably come up with. Deep down he highly doubted any of his fellow members would take time and actually play this kind of game with him, but at the same time the thought of a fan, or rather a stalker, finding a way to randomly pass the notes to him, especially notes that hit so close to home like these two did, was way too scary and would probably require further action that, at least, involved their manager. Hoseok didn’t want to do that, he liked those notes too much, they made him feel the way he hadn’t let himself feel in, what now seemed, a long time and those feelings were good. As silly as it sounded they made him feel alive again.

The option of telling Shownu or Changkyun about them was always there, but he didn’t want to do it either, telling himself that that would only raise a lot of questions from both the leader and the maknae, in addition making them worry again too. He certainly didn’t want that. But those weren’t the only reasons, or rather they were the logical reasons Hoseok told himself in order to rationalize his silence. The one true reason was that he simply didn’t want to tell them. Another guilty pleasure.

This time it felt like the notes were truly written for him. The notes that he secretly already started calling “the story” even if it was basically only two paragraphs long. The writing style was just that familiar and something told him they won’t stop coming. Hoseok felt like he became even a bigger part of a special game, something even larger than a protagonist of a story put up on the internet for everyone to read. No one was reading this one but him. It was natural that he felt the need to keep it secret even from his closest people. And that made him feel even more excited.

As expected, as week moved on more notes kept coming his way, leading Hoseok to the quiet Saturday afternoon in his studio. Sitting down on the couch he pulled out all five notes he received so far and arranged them by order of appearance on the table in front of him before reading the story he had so far once again, letting the strange mixture of tranquility and excitement wash over him again.

 

_Multiple chances weren’t irregular occurrences in people’s lives, but human perceptions were made to be clouded by a wide variety of factors difficult to easily grasp. Stepping back to make place for objectivity was often hard, because it meant emotions on break when emotions were the ones responsible for people needing those chances in the first place. Call them loops, call them mazes – the end of the story meant finding the escape route. The one line that will guide you to the moment of happiness. In reality the journey never ends._

HCS

 

 

_Taking a risk of losing the person he valued the most in his life couldn't have been a rash decision, yet he felt like he hadn't thought it through properly. But then again there was no such thing as stopping questioning yourself or simply overthinking when it came to something as important and potentially life changing as this. However, it was clear he already wasted too much time even though he wouldn't exactly call it a waste. There was a reason for everything happening in someone's life - down to it simply being just another important lesson. If all those chances were missed then they simply opened other paths. And if that lead them to the final path of opportunity that needed to be taken then he should do his best to do it without question._

HCS

_The root of determination firmly took its rightful place in his mind, painting the world around him in vibrant colors of truth. The goal was as clear as his surroundings and, more importantly, emotions that correlated with them, with the people who were a part of his life. And him above everyone else. It felt like his vision simply sharpened the moment he finally understood and accepted the raw desires of his heart and mind, working in perfect synchronization after such a long time of dissonance and bringing him liberating peace. The unknown path ahead of him - path that he had to build on his own - became the only thing occupying his thoughts as constructing it was crucial. Time to act._

HCS

 

 

_In his new state of mind reality seemed like some weird, surreal dream to him. Like the clear surroundings stood still when he tried to focus on them, mind struggling to leave the only thoughts occupying it since his decision to grab the opportunity was made, yet they would quickly go into fast forward mode as soon as his attention was moved elsewhere. Reality wasn’t a part of him to the point that his silly brain was on the verge of starting questioning if he was a part of it in return – because he surely felt like he was standing on the side, simply watching, yet not even drawing any conclusions out of the things and situations he was witnessing. It was more than clear that he needed to find a way out of this different kind of maze, make up his mind for once before the opportunity slipped through his fingers yet again._

HCS

 

_He could feel the excitement bubbling up inside him and part of him felt silly for feeling like that, the other part  feeling even more silly for realizing he was acting like a teenage boy in love. He might not have been a teenage boy anymore, but being in love with his best friend was old news and the fact that those feelings only intensified with time should have been a clear indicator that behavior like that shouldn’t surprise him. A soft sigh escaped the plump lips as he firmly decided it was the time to escape all those loops of thoughts, actions and dilemmas, step up and bravely dive into the thrilling unknown. Slipping the last hint and waiting at the end of his lonely line._

HCS

 

Warm, dark eyes lingered on three small letters in the corner of the last note for a long moment before Hoseok got up and walked over to his chair, ready to set up his equipment and actually get some work done today. The last words of the story laid out for him kept floating in his mind, acting as both an exciting distraction making him light-headed and a mesmerizing source of inspiration. The gentle vocalist felt a strong need to use them as a fuel for the music already forming in his head, melody ready to resurface and form the beautiful harmony with the art still resting on his table. A simple white note stared at him from his desk, making him reconsider his course of action.

 

_Rooftop, 5pm. I’ll be waiting. On the line._

HiCkey Slips


	14. World of their own

 

There was no doubt in Hoseok’s mind when it came to the location written down on the note. It could’ve been any rooftop, but the word stood alone like that, not giving place for options. The rooftop. The one and only place that automatically took away the mystery of identity of Hickey Slips, similar to wind blowing away flower petals spread over the lyrics they used to bring along there.

The gentle vocalist exited his studio in a rush, mind swirling with a mess of thoughts, tangling with the feelings he let take over after such a long time of desperate trying to push them back, them resurfacing forcefully, trying to make the best of the opportunity to finally run free. It was scary, feeling himself give in and finding it hard to control it all, especially with the realization that he was too tired to even try to fight back anymore. His mind was racing to meet those feelings, fighting with the Kihyun’s voice screaming warnings at the same time. The small part of him that wasn’t entirely sure if this was just his wishful thinking once again. If it was he wasn’t sure how he’ll manage to pull himself out of the disappointment as strong as that. Pain as terrible as that, for the final time.

There was no way he could be wrong though. The rooftop was that one exclusive place no one knew about. The place that only him and his best friend went to, a sort of a secret hideout. They haven’t been there for a while, even though they had a habit going together in between comebacks. It was their safe haven, their little playground where they could chill, stare at the sky, share thoughts and worries, music, happiness and pain, where they could be alone, completely focused on each other. Suddenly, it made Hoseok sad that somewhere along the way they lost each other enough to not come there in such a long time. They were both lost in the fantasy, gone for long enough to forget the only place that actually represented their own bubble in reality.

There was no way for Hickey to know about the rooftop. Not unless they were Hyungwon. And that was the exact thought that made Hoseok’s mind run in circles, frantically playing with the possibility that he already accepted as truth, flashes of words mingling with images of his best friend’s gaze, gestures and the way he acted, especially in the last couple of months. It all made perfect sense in his mind now, painfully so. He was terrified of being wrong this time, so much that he couldn’t let himself think it might be a lie and occupying himself with focusing on what he was supposed to do. Immediately, right now – following Hickey’s words: time to act.

When he finally reached the rooftop it was already a little bit past 5pm and he hesitated for a moment, almost afraid to look up at the person waiting for him. He stepped onto the rooftop, looking down at the ground beneath his feet and catching himself in time not to gasp. Hoseok was standing on bright red tape and he let his gaze follow it as it dawned on him that it resembled a line. Not being able to move for a moment, he simply stared at it, feeling overwhelmed, his heart picking up speed easily until he slowly made the first step, the next following with a bit more ease. He kept his eyes on the ground, for some reason feeling the need to strictly follow the line, as if he’ll lose himself once he strayed off it, or even worse, he’ll lose what he came here for, he’ll lose Hickey and Hyungwon and everything that matters in life.

Stepping on the line carefully he walked up to a book and crouched down to pick it up, eyes burning when he recognized it as Hickey’s first story and quickly hugging it before he moved further, finding the rest of them along the line. It felt like walking down the history of his secret desires, fantasy world rolling out in front of him and hopefully drawing him closer to what he wanted the most. Hickey was creating the fantasy, bringing it to the realm of reality, for him, yet he was still too scared to look anywhere further than the line beneath his feet as he slowly moved, driven by mixture of anticipation, fear, longing and desperate need for this story set in reality to have a happy ending. Taking a deep breath he crouched down one last time to pick up the last, painful story that basically lead him to the state he’s been in for the last couple of months, to now. He looked at it for a long moment, feeling himself tear up and trying hard not to cry like a fool, feeling the desperation sink in and consume his whole being all of a sudden. He stood still, finally willing himself to look up and see who was in front of him.

Hyungwon was sitting a couple of meters ahead, at the very end of the red tape, looking down at a notebook on his lap, as if in thought. He must have been aware of his best friend’s presence, but let the older guy come to him instead, as if afraid to look up and face him. How could they mirror each other’s feelings so easily and, apparently, all this time, without stopping? Hoseok almost sighed in relief before he walked those couple of steps that separated them, finally sitting down right beside the model-like vocalist and slowly placing a bouquet of wildflowers onto the open notebook.

“I’m back.” He whispered, looking at the way Hyungwon’s full lips curled into a smile, gazing down at the flowers on his lap before he took them and inhaled the scent, closing his eyes for a moment.

“You found me.” He turned to him, face still practically buried in the flowers, his eyes smiling in a way Hoseok hasn’t seen in a long time, sudden realization of how much he missed that look of pure joy hitting him with force. He missed him so much. And he wasted so much time. But there was no more time to waste, no place for regrets, not now, not ever.

“What are you writing?” Cowardly, overwhelmed once again, he looked at the words on the notebook in Hyungwon’s lap instead. “Story of a bunny and a turtle…” He read and quickly looked back up at his best friend. “But there’s nothing but the title…?”

“I can’t write it properly until you give me the end.” Hyungwon watched him intently, putting the flowers back down.

“You mean the beginning?” Hoseok tried, staring right back.

“It’s a different kind of loop.” The taller vocalist, looked down at the flowers, almost sadly. “They’re beautiful…” He bit his lip, he missed them, but he missed his best friend more, missing what he had and what he never had, but needed so much. He simply missed everything Hoseok was to him, he missed his world and their world together – what they had and what they could have. What was he to Hoseok in the end? What was Chae Hyungwon and what was Hickey Slips? The stories – the fantasies and their reality, he needed to know, to find his place in Hoseok’s world, once and for all. Finally, he looked back up at him, searching for the answer in warm, dark orbs staring back at him.

Hoseok felt like they were being fools, all this time and right now. They were obviously feeling the need to explain each other even though they never really needed to. But at some point that need appeared, hadn’t it? At some point they stopped understanding each other’s gazes, fear of emotions clouding them and hurting them in the process. Pushing that fear away now made reading each other possible again. Emotions stared at each other like in a mirror and familiar warmth danced along Hoseok’s body, but despite it all there was a point on the line when words just needed to be said. Actions and emotions needed to be shared – to finally reach the conclusion and start that beginning he instantly offered to the love of his life.

“They’re beautiful, but short lived.” He decided to reply, searching Hyungwon’s eyes for more emotions, for that mirror that made his own feelings happily bloom further, filling his whole being with beautiful flowers – the ones with extended lifespan, making his own life that much more worth living.

“You’re saying they’ll die?” His best friend frowned, obviously not understanding where he was going with this.

“I will have to replace them when they do.” He nodded and offered a warm smile. “And I will need to stay for that too. May I stay, Hyungwon?”

There was that smile again, making Hoseok’s heart flutter in contagious joy as he watched Hyungwon move closer to him. The younger boy hugged him tightly, not even holding back a sigh of relief, crushing all the tension built up between them with that simply soft breath of air, tension that carried the heaviness Hoseok wasn’t even aware of until it disappeared. A soft laugh left the gentle vocalist’s lips as he hugged him back tightly.

“I love you so much.” The words finally rushed out of his mouth, leaving the indescribable feeling of freedom behind. They were impatient to come out and let his best friend find their true meaning for too long and they couldn’t offer Hoseok anything but more joy as he set them free. He felt Hyungwon pull away to look at him, the mirrored emotion swimming in the dark eyes, not giving the older boy’s heart peace. He didn’t want it anyway.

“I love you too, so so much.” The full, soft, smiling lips brushed against his own as the love of his life let him get lost in the safe territory of his warm, loving gaze, finally at home.

“I think I found the right line finally.”

“We both did.”

The bunny and the turtle stood next to each other, holding hands and, unlike any other time when their gazes were meeting the sky, looking at each other. The turtle smelled the beautiful flowers, the scent making him feel comforted and satisfied, at home, feeling of longing replaced by true happiness. The bunny’s smile was right there, along with the flowers, within the reach and there to stay. All the adventures ahead were those of the two of them together.

Together, the two of them stepped off the line, into the world without lines, where reality, fantasy and the world in between simply merged into the world of their own.


	15. Free fall into the beginning

 

The loving gaze meeting his own seemed to permanently paint the smile on his lips and Hyungwon just didn’t want to look away. He had never felt so free before, standing in front of his best friend, feeling bare as he happily held his own emotions in front of him, to find Hoseok’s mirrored ones and start the unrestricted dance of love, breathtaking in its beauty.

“I’m so greedy…” He whispered, smile widening in amusement. “I want you, I want to feel you. Just you.” He added, sliding his hand up the back of Hoseok’s neck as he stepped closer to slowly kiss him, tugging his hair gently. The shorter vocalist gripped his waist instantly, before wrapping his arms around it and slipping his hands under his shirt, fingers pressing against the smooth skin of his lower back.

The memory of his best friend’s taste from that magical surreal night appeared in his mind, further fueling Hyungwon’s need to take it all again, over and over again. So he slid his tongue along Hoseok’s soft lips and past them, only to be met with the older guy’s one already waiting for him. He could feel them swaying in the rhythm of that intoxicating love dance, not being able to identify if it was really a part of reality or just physics of the bubble forming around the two of them yet again. This time the bubble was there to stay, already a part of reality, making a feeling of wonderful peace wash over Hyungwon, feeling of blissful safety as this new world formed around the two of them was something unhindered by time or space. Dream became a reality.

Breaking the kiss as suddenly as he started it, Hyungwon pulled away to undress, taking off his shirt quickly, but calmly as a mixture of feelings continued flowing down his body, leaving him light-headed. He was impatient, wanting to attach himself to the love of his life, but at the same time that peaceful feeling worked as a comforting force, reminding him that they had all the time of the world to be together, to stay glued to each other from now on. The new loop of emotions and needs was amazing, everything he could ask for really and still unbelievable, urging him to just jump right into that wonderful bliss, to reassure himself that this was truly their reality now.

Hoseok’s gaze followed his movements, trailing down his bare torso when the useless fabric disappeared out of his sight, fueling the loop further. The model-like idol needed to get rid of physical restraints as quickly as possible to be completely free, for their world to wrap harder around the two of them, for it to bring them even closer together, but at the same time he wanted Hoseok to continue watching him like that, so full of love and desire as he took his time to peel the unnecessary layers of clothes, the time that meant absolutely nothing to him anymore. Struggling to make a decision he simply concentrated on those dark, beautiful eyes and let his hands go on autopilot, throwing unnecessary thoughts out of the window along with the last, meaningless pieces of restraining fabric.

Completely naked, he stepped back towards Hoseok, pulling him into another, much needier kiss, basking in the feeling of the older one’s hands on his bare skin, smoothly sliding up his sides and back, pressing him closer to his own, still fully dressed body. Hyungwon gasped, tilting his best friend’s head up slightly to taste him more, tongue exploring his mouth, quickly getting intoxicated with Hoseok’s scent and taste, desperately trying to surround himself with it, melt into it. Reluctantly, he pushed him slightly away again, giving himself space to start freeing his lover of clothes as well, getting more impatient as tension slowly built up in the pit of his stomach. He was greedy indeed, looking down at the beautiful pale skin greeting him when he hastily removed Hoseok’s shirt and closed the distance yet again, leaning down to kiss and lick a path from the older one’s jawline down his neck and chest.

He moved much faster than intended, showing just how needy he was, ending up on his knees in front of his best friend and looking up almost sheepishly, feeling silly for showing just how much he wanted this. The mirror in Hoseok’s eyes reassured him yet again that there was nothing to feel shy or silly about, this were the two of them, Hyungwonho, this was just the way their little world worked – full of understanding, feelings mutual, resulting in all the natural courses of action happening just like that, without question. The overwhelming sense of freedom once again. Setting each other free, free to be their true selves, standing alone or together. That was who Hyungwonho were, truly free when they were together, because they were together.

Hyungwon stared at the mirror that made him feel so beautiful, so special and so free as he slowly slid Hoseok’s pants and underwear down the milky skin of the older one’s legs, making sure to feel it against his fingertips before his best friend stepped out of his clothes and pushed them away with his foot, letting the tall vocalist touch him more. Sliding his hands back up the muscular legs, he moved closer again and licked the trail up Hoseok’s semi-hard cock before looking up into his eyes again as he took it in his hand. He smiled a bit, giving him a couple of firm strokes before resting his palm at the base and leaning in to press wet kisses along the length, then pressed his tongue against the prominent vein before sliding it up again and swirling it around the head slowly. Keeping the eye contact he took the head into his mouth, sucking slowly and then moved down the arousal, taking it into his mouth gradually, until the tip hit the back of his throat, forcing a needy moan to vibrate against it.

The gentle vocalist couldn’t look away, a soft groan harmonizing with the moan hitting his erection, the beautiful, soft locks slipping through his fingers as he moved his hand to grip them needily. Hoseok felt himself drowning in Hyungwon’s dark gaze never leaving his own as the younger one moved, starting bobbing his head up and down his cock, the tongue pressing further along it as he sucked harder, more moans following – the combined sensation rapidly turning him on more. His best friend was out to drive him crazy and Hoseok wasn’t entirely sure if he’ll be able to take everything he had in store for him before it became too much. Briefly looking away from his eyes, he focused on the way his arousal disappeared in Hyungwon’s mouth, the sight of red, plump lips he fantasized so much about luring another moan out of his mouth and he bucked his hips suddenly, hearing Hyungwon gag at the unexpected movement.

“Fuck… I’m sorry…” He breathed, pulling away quickly until Hyungwon’s hand on his thigh stopped him. The younger vocalist licked his full lips as he pulled away for a moment, shaking his head.

“No… do it.” The voice was a bit rougher than usual, making Hoseok’s erection twitch in his lover’s hand. “Fuck my mouth…” He breathed, dark gaze meeting his own again. “God, I want that so much… do it Hoseok.”

The older vocalist almost groaned at the words, Hyungwon’s gaze causing a shiver to run down his spine as he moved forward once again, like in a trance, pushing his erection past those plump lips once again. Brain struggling to catch up with the fantasy coming true, he started thrusting into the welcoming mouth, speed gradually picking up as the dark eyes stayed on him, encouraging him further despite tearing up at the intensity of it all. Hyungwon did his best to make him feel good, hot cavern tightening around his length sliding back and forth against the sinful tongue and he could feel the tension building up much faster than he wanted it too. A familiar feeling of not wanting it all to end washed over him as he repeatedly hit the back of the taller one’s throat, painting it with his precum and he knew he had to stop, prolong the blissful experience as much as he could.

Forcing himself to pull away, he watched as Hyungwon almost chased after his arousal, at the same time pushing him back to land on the bed before he started kissing and biting the skin above it. Hoseok moaned at the sensation of his lover moving from his hip, across his stomach up to his chest, movements slow and sensual, leaving traces of fire merged by the softness and pain. Hyungwon was marking him, slipping dark hickeys across his pale skin and Hoseok couldn’t help but feel beautiful as he looked from his best friend’s eyes to them and back at him again.

“You are a fantasy… I feel like a canvas for you to paint on.” He couldn’t help but breathe in between moans, licking his lips as blood rushed to his face at his own words.

“I wrote a lot of fiction, slipping all those fantasy hickeys to you… This is reality." The model-like singer smirked as he paused, watching him, gaze darkening once again, making him appear like a surreal erotic painting to Hoseok, another fantasy. “It's time to slip some hickeys on your body as well.” He added, resuming his path of love flowers along the older one’s torso, letting his tongue play with one of his nipples as he reached it and then continuing up, drawing the unpredictable image of dark marks, mesmerizing in its lack of order.

“You make me feel loved.” The gentle vocalist whispered, not understanding how everything Hyungwon did could be so overwhelming to him and slid his hands down taller one’s body, trying to focus on the way his burning skin felt against his own fingertips.

“Love me back then.” Hyungwon’s deep voice reached his left ear once he moved all the way up and pulled away far enough to meet his gaze as he moved to spread his legs over Hoseok’s hips, straddling them. Dark eyes stared at him, waiting, and he licked his lips again, letting his right hand move down the crack of the younger one’s ass, fingers sliding along the rim of his entrance slowly.

Long arm stretched to the side to reach the bedside drawer and fish out the lube and a condom, as gaze remained on his face, as if Hyungwon was afraid to break it. A moment later lubed up finger pushed past the tight ring of muscle and the tall vocalist sighed softly, hot air hitting Hoseok’s lips and he leaned in to close the distance, kissing him slowly, bubbling impatience letting itself gradually be shown as the kiss got deeper and more passionate. As more fingers joined and the older one moved faster, Hyungwon pressed their arousals together, rolling his hips in need, mirroring the impatience he was met with a moment before.

“I can’t… I need you.” He gasped finally, breaking the kiss and pointedly grinding down on Hoseok, moving his hand down to grip the older one’s arousal right after, giving it a couple of firm strokes. He pushed himself up as Hoseok’s fingers slipped out of him at the words and sat back on his thighs. Licking his lips in a mixture of excitement and impatience he moved as fast as he could, rolling the condom down the older guy’s erection and added more lube, swiftly getting into position right after.

Hoseok watched him, pushing himself up as well and simply resting his hands on his best friend’s thighs, letting him do it all the way he wanted, still intoxicated with everything happening. Hyungwon slid down the length slowly, concentrating on Hoseok’s face and not stopping until their hips met again and the shorter singer’s hands moved up to rest on his hips, keeping him steady before he leaned in and pulled him into another kiss. It was a distraction, pouring out his feelings and passion into the liplock in order to control himself instead of moving too fast, letting his lover adjust and set the pace. If intoxication from all the things happening tonight wasn’t enough, the position they were in at the moment was definitely out to drive him crazy and Hoseok felt liquid fire run down his body, threatening to eat him alive. And he was more than happy to feel that happen.

The slight shift of Hyungwon’s body signalized that he was ready and a moment later he pushed himself up only to slide right back down, starting a slow rhythm without breaking the kiss, palms moving from Hoseok’s shoulders into his hair. Slim fingers disappeared in the black locks and tugged as a harmony of vocals made its reappearance, bouncing off the walls of the heated room. Slim hips moved faster, the strong grip on them guiding them as Hoseok pushed his own hips against them the best he could in that position, every fall of Hyungwon against his arousal making him fall further into the blissful abyss.

Fighting against the breathtaking speed of the fantasy unraveling was pointless, getting lost in the heated air surrounding them. Hoseok simply let go, pushing his best friend to lay down and switching the speed of his thrusts into something almost desperate, spiraling down to illustrate the fall of them both. The fall into the world of fantasy, the world of the two of them. Their reality, a new canvas set in front of them to paint it in beautiful new colorful paths of the bunny and the turtle, flowers decorating their borders, the edges blurring in the horizon. Without lines, without restrictions, without end. World where the concept of death was unfamiliar. Loops and mazes reformulating themselves into cycles, pulsing, full of life, adding more depth and only making the universe that much more mesmerizing. World of freedom and rebirth.

The beautiful music they made together reverberated off the edges of the room, securing the world like a powerful, tightly wrapped bubble and finally came to its end, setting them free. Hyungwon rested on the bed, light pants leaving his lips as he kept his eyes on his best friend and then pulled him down into a kiss, wanting to feel the familiar warmth surround his slim body, make him feel safe, loved, at home. The confirmation of that feeling and need being mutual, expressed in the way Hoseok wrapped his arms around him, pressed their bodies together and kissed him back so lovingly, secured the wonderful universe around them and acted as reassurance that happiness was there to stay.   

The fall didn’t end. The fall was the beginning.

“That night… it was a fantasy. I was so scared to let go, to forget it…”  Hoseok whispered suddenly, looking at him again. “But this… you won’t let me forget this, right?”

“I’ll keep reminding you, over and over again.” Hyungwon smirked playfully and was rewarded with a soft laughter, the cozy bubble wrapping warmly around them more as natural whispered confessions pushed in between the happiness filling the air around them.

They stayed like that for a long moment before the tall vocalist moved to get up, walking over to his laptop and turning it on.

“What are you doing?” Hoseok sat up, looking over at him curiously. “Are you going to write?” He chuckled at the sudden action, the thought of inspiration hitting his best friend at a moment like this so familiar to him and the way Hyungwon’s art inspired him in return. He could almost feel a hum of a  beautiful melody waiting to be written down in his mind as well.

"I'm too good of a writer not to bless Monbebes with some quality stories... based on true events, but they don't have to know that." He grinned, before his eyes landed on the flowers and notebook underneath them.

“Hoseok…?” He called, looking over at the love of his life, not continuing until the loving gaze met his own once again. “We’re writing this story now.”

 

_Velvety feel of the taller one’s fingertips was so light, yet mirrored the certainty of his gaze in its apparent existence on the older one’s pale, soft skin. Sensation of elegant hands sliding lower, slowly, but surely feeling more, leaving a trail of heat as they seemed to want to touch every inch of the skin beneath them gained a breathy, needy gasp, painting the air surrounding them into a heavier color of lust. Pink tongue slid over the plump lips before they shifted into a tiny knowing smirk, aware of being the centre of attention once again, basking in it for a moment and then diving down to follow the trail fingertips set for them moments before._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The journey is over! This is the first time I've felt such a desperate need to write something. I spent a week of blindly writing, basically living this story, not settling down until I finished most of it, so yeah... It took me a while to finally bring it to end two months later, but I guess the time brought out some new ideas in the end. I feel accomplished just by being so into it and writing most of it in one breath. I have no idea if it was as fun to read it as it was to me to write it. It's something that just came out of me in a spur of moment let's say, so at least I went with that flow all the while feeling inspired.
> 
> Some fun ideas I played with (in case you didn't manage to read into them and want to hear an explanation)
> 
> ~ If someone's wondering what "turtle line" means I first thought of the title when I wrote the second chapter - with the small turtle walking along the thin line in between reality and fantasy - that's the obvious meaning I pointed out so many times in the story, along with it being simply a path he obviously needed to take in order for Hoseok and him to find each other, but then I connected it to one of the possible explanations for DBSK's song Purple Line. I found that interpretation and here it is:  
> "Sometimes when you look at the horizon in the evening the skyline is colourfull –> purple –> So the song means they want to cross this purple (sky)line, want to know what is behind, they want to check out this world that nobody has ever seen and build their own new world."  
> I'm not even sure if that's the "correct" interpretation of the song, but it fitted my idea well, so purple turned into turtle and there it is.
> 
> ~ Hickey Slips is a simple word play - you can find Hyungwon's initials in HiCkey and Slips is a combination of sleep and lips. Hickey slipped quite a bit of things over to Hoseok throughout the story and especially towards the end, so that fit really well too.
> 
> Once again, I really hope you enjoyed this story as much as I enjoyed writing it. I also hope to hear what your thoughts were while reading it and in general. Thanks so much for reading!!!


End file.
